⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝

⌞ chapter fourty : lullabies ⌝

" Just lean on people when you need to, take the time to feel it all, and move on to the next. " 

_ 

Lewis and Nico had gone to do some shopping, leaving me alone in the flat. They said they wouldn't take long, but I knew Lewis. He was the fastest when it came to shopping, especially in Monaco. You could buy the entire world on these streets. But without them, the flat felt empty again. I walked around, looking at everything and I wondered what I had been so afraid of. It was just a house. 

I sighed, tying my hair back. It had gotten long over these few weeks, not having the energy to go get it cut. I was starting to like the length, maybe it was growing on me. I would end up getting it cut when I found the time. There was something I needed to do first. 

I opened the door to what would have been Charlie's room, where I had shoved all my boxes. Looking at all of them, I took a deep breath and pulled the first one out. Time to finally move in. I opened the box and the first thing was my books. I chuckled, of course. Those would go on the shelves in the sitting room. There was always space on them. Jules opted to leave space for whenever I happened to leave one on accident. 

I picked up the box and walked with it to the shelves. As I had remembered, there was more than enough space. I started placing the books where I wanted them but the house was too silent. I looked over to the radio, sitting in the corner. The vinyl Jules had been listening to before he left for Japan still sat on the plate.

I hesitated as I looked at it, my hand not fully letting go of the book I had just set. Looking away from it, I walked back to my room to grab my headphones. I put those on and started to play my music, the soft sounds filling my ears as I went back to unpacking. 

It wasn't step-by-step, I would take it as I saw fit. 

_

"We're back!" 

I looked up from my spot on the couch and tilted my head as I saw Lewis walking in the door with no bags. 

"I thought you were going shopping?"

"Oh, I did." 

Nico followed after carrying all the bags and I rolled my eyes, getting up to help him. He gave me a thank you smile as I took some of the bags from his hands, going to set them on the table. Lewis laughed at the two of us. 

"I told him I could carry some but he said no. That he could do it himself." 

"I didn't realize you bought fucking gold bars." 

"It's just clothes, love." 

I smiled as I watched Lewis kiss Nico on the cheek as he passed, starting to unpack the things he had bought. I knew there was something there, from the first time I met them, so I was happy to see them like this. 

"What all did you get, then?" 

"Oh, just stuff from here and there." 

I nodded, going to grab a drink from the fridge. I had gained weight back in the week they had been here and the dark circles under my eyes weren't as awful. Still there, nightmares don't just disappear, but I was starting to sleep easier. And having them here made the house seem less... cold. Lonely. Empty. All the words. I realized for all the times I had wished to be alone, it was a wish to be alone with the right people. The entire grid could be stuck in this flat and I would still feel like I was comfortable. They were family. And I needed to lean on them. 

"You should have gone with us." 

I popped my can, taking the tab to throw into the jar on the counter. Jules and I always collected them and this was the first time I had a drink that was in a can. 

"I had other things I needed to get done." 

I looked around the flat to the little changes. All my stuff to make the house feel a little less like a living memorial for Jules. Lewis must have seen it because he nodded at me, that knowing smile on his face. 

"Next time, then." 

"Next time." 

"Anyways, you do remember that we have to leave this evening?" 

I nodded, not happy with the change in conversation. It was something that needed to be talked about but I wished that the comfort of having them here wasn't going to come to an end. I feared that things would go back to the way they were. Maybe not as bad, but still something that wasn't healthy. 

_

I sighed as I closed the door behind me. I couldn't stand to watch them leave, it hurt and the emptiness that lingered in the flat was back. Even though nothing had really changed, it felt like the room was darker. But what Lewis said had to stick; it was all grief and I could move past it. 

Forcing myself to move away from the door, I walked to the kitchen. There was pre-made food in the fridge. I didn't have to cook, that would take time. But I could have a meal, sitting in the kitchen, and if I felt up to it, a movie. It was the little things and grief took time. I could do this. With or without them physically here. I was stronger than that. I was stronger than that. I was stronger than that. I was stronger than that.

As I waited for my food to cook, I looked around the room. Everything looked more... approachable. It wasn't just all Jules, I had made my space. After all, that's what he always said. This is your space. I had a right to live in this house, to put little pieces of me around. None of it took away from him, it just made it more me. But my eyes kept going back to the radio. The soft blue from the leather and the dark bronze from the metal. It caught the soft light of the setting sun, casting beams into the living space. Made the room spin, like in a dream. 

And then light music fell across the room. I didn't know if I had lost my mind or if the radio had started but it made me pause. I hadn't remembered it going off during the first few weeks. It hadn't gone off in the week that Lewis and Nico were here. So I must have been imagining it. But as I got closer, the music echoed the melody louder into my ears. My hands hovered over the button, not wanting to turn it on if I was just losing the last bit of my sanity. 

I could hear the oven beep behind me, the sharp ring of the timer being drowned out by the soft piano lullaby. It was familiar in a far-off memory kind of way. I could swear there was a feeling to this memory; the soft warmth of a sunset, the flutter of giggles, the blanket of a neverending hug. A memory. I could tell that it was coming from the radio that had somehow turned on and the rest was just a memory I had forgotten. One I wanted to reach out for but like all good things, it was just outside my reach. 

I sat on the floor, my untouched food next to me, and tears- couldn't tell if it was good or bad, I couldn't tell if I cared- listening to that melody as it played all night, getting high off the memories that did linger. Something that I could hold as my little secret. For if it was talked it about, and that made it real. Real things always have a stop point, but if it's not real... I can't lose it. 

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a/n: sup lovers, i am not done with finals yet but i needed a break from everything. and LANDO'S FIRST WIN (AAAAAAAA). anyways, a nice chapter as repayment for all the angst. it probably makes no sense because english isn't real. as always, love it or don't :p