"You are hereby charged with dereliction of duty, being absent without leave and missing the sailing of your vessel." The first officer, Lieutenant Commander Drake, glared down his nose at the leading rate standing before him. "How do you plead?"
Leading Seaman Malcolm cameo attention. "Guilty, sir, but ... ."
"But?" The first officer raised a querying eyebrow. "You wish to present mitigating circumstances?"
"An excuse? Yes, sr. If it pleases you."
"You have that right, Mister Malcolm. But you know the captain's orders. It must be original."
"It is, sir. Definitely an original excuse, sir."
Drake thought for a moment, then scribbled something on the charge sheet. "Very well, Mister Malcolm. You may proceed."
"Sir." Leading Seaman Malcolm licked his lips. "As you know, it was my last night of shore leave, sir. So, me and some of the boys decided to pay a visit to Rosie's." The sailor glanced up at his superior officer. "You know Rosie's, sir?"
The first officer blushed. "I know of it."
"Well, sir, I got friendly with one of Rosie's girls, and we negotiated a price for the night."
"Mister Malcolm," Lieutenant Commander Drake began. "A dalliance with a dockside prostitute is neither a good excuse nor an original excuse."
"Ah, sir, I'm only getting started."
The officer sighed. "Please continue."
"Well, sir, knowing I had to be aboard by five o'clock, before we got down to business I got the lady to set her alarm clock. But I hadn't reckoned on her parrot."
"Her parrot?" Drake frowned.
"Yes, sir. You see, sir, the parrot was quite a good mimic. Its party piece was to imitate the lady's alarm. And it did this constantly, sir, causing us no end of distress."
"I can imagine."
Leading Seaman Malcolm risked a smile. "Well, sir, to get to the point, it took longer to conclude my business with the lady than I thought. We fell asleep almost immediately. So, when the lady's actual alarm clock went off I was so drowsy I thought it was the parrot up to its tricks again." The sailor hung his head in a display of contrition. "When I woke up, it was after nine o'clock and -."
"And we had sailed without you, Mister Malcolm." Drake tapped his pen on the charge sheet and pondered. Then he came to a decision. "Mister Malcolm!"
The sailor jerked upright. "Sir?"
"Your excuse is most definitely original, and even has the ring of truth about it. I am inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt. I will therefore reduce your punishment. Will you accept my decision?"
"Yes, sir."
"Mister Malcolm, you are hereby fined one week's pay. And." An impish smile played about the officer's lips.
"Sir?" the leading seaman asked.
"From henceforth you shall be known by your shipmates as 'Polly'."
"Aye, sir. Thank you sir." Leading Seaman 'Polly' Malcolm put on his beret, came to attention and saluted.
