Radicle (Terminal trilogy #2, can stand alone)

12: Without intention

 I did not sleep well that night. In fact, I simply felt ill. And my night's dream matched my mood perfectly.

I was in Heaven again, and it was late evening. The Church Tower's bath was open to the night sky in this dream, and full of people. But they were demons, I soon realized. Demons and Michael.

I knew he must have been punishing me. He sat across from me, in fact, with his arms slumped around Cassiel and Victory. And he had a most relaxed smile. It seemed like, to me, he was laughing quietly. But he didn't speak. And the girls at his side looked practically lifeless.

I began to cry, and because it was in a dream, I didn't ever stop. Moll was sitting next to me, laughing too, and so were most of the other demons I had met- both members of The Few and members of the church. They weren't laughing loudly, of course. But their mouths were curled in the same sort of quiet smile.

I drew out my wings to cover myself with, but found them to be those of a demon's. I took a moment to examine myself, looking at my body with a sort of disassociation with it that it was like looking at a stranger. I had claws, five eyes, white spots, curled horns, scales, and a tail like a snake. It was hard to think of myself as 'myself' anymore.

My dream-self, still sobbing, tried to get out of the water. But Michael held him- me- down.

"Michael." He said. "What do you think you're doing?"

And then I was Michael. It was a strange thing for Michael to put in my dream, but it must have been a warning all the same. I suppose he was just that disappointed in me for becoming a leader here in Hell. Michael was the leader. And he was the one who chose those to lead under his guidance.

"I don't know, Nichael." I said, or Michael said, or whatever. "Who do you think you are?"

I awoke in cold sweat and tears on my pillow case. I didn't even sit up. It was early in the morning, and I just sat there and cried. We don't have tears in Heaven. It shows weakness of character.

By the time I had pulled myself together, it was later in the morning. I went to the kitchen that was also Tecie's bedroom and prepared a breakfast of bread. There was little preparation involved, actually.

"You're up early. Cult life not yet exhausting you?"

"No. Getting kicked out this afternoon. Thought I should get up early and be conscious for my last couple hours."

"Out of the cult?"

"Hell."

"Jesus Nichael, what have you been up to? These are the sorts of things I'd like to know as soon as possible."

"I lost my temper last night and blew my cover." I shrugged, as I was a lot more upset about it than I was going to let on. "Punched Kell. I don't think the news is going to know about my expulsion, but The Few certainly is going to be aware."

"Are you coming back?"

"He said they were going to skin me if I ever came back."

"That doesn't mean you can't-"

"I don't want to be skinned, Tecie."

"I just mean- so this is it, huh? It's only been three months. You only lasted three months." She sighed.

"Were you expecting much else? I mean, I guess orders were for me to stay as long as possible. And that variable just happened to be this long. Whatever. I left my mark, probably. The church is probably going to survive for a while without me."

"Yeah, but you never were supposed to get involved with the church, and that Stacy Baruth."

"What was I supposed to do then?"