I Promise | A Destiel High School & College AU

CHAPTER 18 - Searching for My Castiel

"If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs. And if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark."
~Into the Dark by Death Cab For Cutie

Sleepless nights and endless worrying were all Dean Winchester was given. The drive to New Mexico was long and tiring.

No one was in a good mood. How could they be? Castiel had been kidnapped, and Dean couldn't help but wonder if it was those people Cas was so worried about that did it.

If Dean ever got his hands on those sons of bitches, they'd never see the light of day.

The irritable tension in the Impala was unbearable. Benny drove, seeing as Dean was untrustworthy behind the wheel, and Sam sat in the front seat. Dean, despite the nagging from his brother to sit up and put on his seat belt, splayed across the backseat, staring up at the ceiling of the car.

He thought about Castiel the whole time. He thought about the way Cas' eyes lit up when he talked about his brothers, or the way his brows furrowed when he squinted his eyes in confusion.

He thought about how back when everything a little more okay than it was now, when Dean would feel Cas' feet brush against his own when his subconscious was telling him he was cold as he was sleeping, and Dean would never have the heart to push him aside, so he would return the gesture.

Dean thought about how Castiel would ask him how to cook food, so Dean would show him, only to have Cas forget the next day and ask how to make something else.

Dean always smiled when he thought about Cas.

But it didn't feel right to smile anymore.

How can you smile when the one person who is a primary cause of it is staring death in the face?

It made Dean sick to his stomach to think about what could be happening to Castiel. What if they were hurting him? What if they already hurt him?! What if he's dead?

Dean grimaced at the thought as hot tears threatened to spill.

Castiel can not be dead... Dean thought. He can't...

Dean feared that if Castiel was dead, which, in all honesty, wasn't that unlikely, he'd blame himself. When bad things happen to good people, Dean always finds a way to turn it on himself.

And there was plenty that he regretted when it came to Castiel.

He regretted his temper when it came to pictures, resulting in him breaking Cas' camera.

He regretted not following Castiel the day he nearly drowned.

He regretted not walking Castiel inside his house and staying with him a while to make sure his uncle wouldn't hurt him.

He regretted leaving, above anything else.

Oh, how different things would be if he had stayed! Castiel wouldn't have been as lost if Dean hadn't left.

Dean would have made sure Castiel got into a better school and that the expenses were covered. He would have pooled money for an apartment, so all three of them could live together, and Cas wouldn't have to live alone.

He wouldn't have gotten shot, either. Dean knew it was worse for Cas, but sometimes, when he closes his eyes, Dean is able to picture the fantasy where everything was alright. How undeniably and frustratingly out of reach a happy ending was.

When Castiel was sad, everyone was sad. And by everyone, Dean meant everyone. Cas, compatible little sunshine that he was, had wormed his way into everyone's hearts. No one liked seeing Castiel so sad.