saints | bts

001 » wrath

❝—WRATH also known as rage, may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger; can manifest in different ways, including impatience, revenge, and self-destructive behavior, such as drug abuse or suicide. ❞

He didn't want to stop. His feelings and his vision and his mind, they were all a blur. He could see, he couldn't see. He could think, but he wasn't thinking straight. Everything was hidden beneath a cloud of pain and anger and alcohol, but he didn't mind.

It was cool outside. Not cold enough to freeze; enough to grab his keys and take his jeep for a drive. He breathed in the song of the city at night and its crisp air, breaking down the highway without a care in the world. He was happy and free, there was no reason to be angry anymore.

At the very least, that's what the sake and vodka were whispering in his ear.

Namjoon had long surpassed blissful buzz of the "one-too-many" phase. He could barely sit up straight in the driver's seat, instead sinking lower and lower into the black leather with every swerve and turn. His eyes formed three more apparitions of the steering wheel than necessary. The road looked like it was coming at him too fast. Somewhere in his brain, somewhere in his right mind, he knew this was nothing but trouble, what he was doing. But he didn't care.

He couldn't move fast enough— sixty miles per hour wasn't fast enough —yet the gas pedal was anchored to the floor by the weight of his foot. Incoherent gurgles and coughs left his mouth like leaves from trees in autumn.

"Tuh," He scoffed to himself in a petty laugh, "Try and take her now, Saetbyul."

His gaze traveled to the little girl in the backseat, strapped into her booster chair with her wide and frantic eyes brimmed with tears. Her blanket was wrapped around her and a pacifier in her mouth for comfort, since he couldn't get her to stop crying. She looked at him like she looked at a stranger, but she was without blame in all this. She had no clue who he was.

He couldn't recognize himself either, but then again, he had never really known whom or what Namjoon truly was. His identity was enigmatic, which he didn't mind. That meant he could be anything he wanted to, anything he set his mind to.

He could be a father. He could get help. He could stop being such a fuck up, and he could get things right. All of these things were within his capacity, and all he needed was her, his little girl, to do it all. Just her.

He knew he had scared her and wished he could change things, but he couldn't. After all he'd forced her young eyes to watch in little under two years of living and breathing, he couldn't take it back. No amount of praying, wishing or trips to the ice cream shop would change that. His little angel, his little Kanha, would always remember.

His cell phone began to ring and vibrate in the cupholder, startling his daughter in her seat. The car swerved as he immediately reached for it, breaking yet another law for the night. At this point he was just ticking them all off from his list. Speed limit: check. Using the phone while driving: check. DUI: check.

But even in his inebriated state he could make out the name that flashed in all white characters, the beautiful face on the screen. His beloved Saet Byul.

That bitch.

He thought about not answering, but he wanted her to feel his pain. He wanted their daughter to be within her reach, only for her to be yanked away by him again. So, yes, he did press that happy little green button.

"Namjoon? Namjoon, you bring back my Kanha!" Her voice came in through the speakers of the jeep, having been connected to the bluetooth system. She sounded surprised that he had even answered, but the fury cut still through her voice like a knife through his flesh.