saints | bts

005 » luxuria

❝ —LUST, lechery, or even luxuria, is an intense and uncontrolled desire. It is usually thought of as uncontrolled sexual wants. However, the word was originally a general term for desire. Therefore, lust could include the uncontrolled desire for money, food, fame, or power. ❞

          Ji Iseul, you are the girl of my dreams.

Currently, it was night in Seoul, and Jimin couldn't have been more in love with the woman beside him. Or he thought that's what he felt. Often times, he couldn't tell love and euphoria apart. To him, they were one and the same.

Two hours had passed since she had fallen asleep naked beside him. Two hours, since they were riding out their ecstasy with one another, singing in loud moans and groans to the heavens, feeling each other, coming as close to one another as two human beings physically could. And he "loved" her.

He knew he did a long time ago, when she only used to clean his apartment and collect her paycheck. Things were only friendly between them back then, but he couldn't stop himself. He always felt drawn to her slender white legs and glowing smile and, oh, the long red hair that fell down her chest in waves. Of course, the color came from a bottle, but she reminded him of red velvet cake that way. He wanted a taste.

Iseul thought that his behavior around her was becoming unprofessional and he agreed. So Jimin fired her. She was becoming a problem anyway.

It rained terribly that day, and she had forgotten her umbrella, so he offered her a ride home. She refused at first. Her resistance was futile once they saw the torrents of rain that fell from the sky. Jimin smiled, and they got into his coupe.

When they pulled up to her apartment building twenty minutes later, he walked her in and made small talk the whole way up. They soon stopped at her door, 6D. Iseul smiled at him and thanked him for his generosity. He kissed her and unbuttoned her coat and offered her another ride. Iseul sheepishly agreed. They made love for the first time.

So she thought at least. Jimin saw her as his temporary affliction, something which could only be relieved by the sound of her moans in his ears and the slap of his skin against hers. Because making love was only for those who were in love, and he did not feel that for Iseul.

She was a hopeless romantic, he was her first real love. Jimin was the sun on a rainy day, a warm front in the middle of winter. But how could he be all these things to her? How had they supposedly made love if he belonged to another woman?

Five months later, he still didn't know the answer. He wanted to know how he had dug himself so deep into this hole. He hadn't planned for Iseul to catch any feelings, or at least not any that were too strong but she did anyway. After their session, she said,

"Jimin, I have a confession. I think I love you."

He said, "What the fuck?"

Thinking to himself, damn, I should've never fucked.

He kissed her on the cheek, hit the lights and let her fall asleep. The red hair cascaded over the pillow so beautifully. She slept so beautifully. Everything Iseul did was done so beautifully, but Jimin could never connect to her beyond her visual appeal. He felt for her, but not enough.  

Jimin wasn't married, nor was he engaged, but he was Oh Minji's. Which should have meant that he was completely unavailable to any other girl, and he lived by that until he met Iseul. He wanted to have them both. He wanted to belong to and be with them both, and he had been notorious for having cold feet for all his life, even when he shouldn't have, and now here was stuck between two girls and two futures and an infinite amount of lies.