Sometimes, it's just not worth it.

Part Five

The first time Louis is allowed to see Harry, its two days after he was admitted and he's asleep - well that's what Louis assumes. He is shocked when he sees Harry; pale, wires hooked up to him, IV drip in his arm and a constant beeping from the heart monitor. Louis can't stand the sight of his best friend and turns around, running out of the ICU unit.

The second time Louis is allowed to see him, Harry has been moved from ICU to a general ward. His heart monitor is gone and only has the IV hooked up to his arm for constant hydration. He has a lot more colour in his cheeks, but his eyes aren't the vibrant emerald green like Louis remembered them; they're dull and distant and when Louis stands in the doorway, Harry looks up. Louis' eyes brim with tears at the look Harry gives him - his eyes are glazed over and filled with an unrecognisable emotion, and Louis can't take it. He runs out of the room once again and doesn't see the tears sliding down Harry's cheek.

The third time, Louis is finally able to stay in the room without wanting to run away. He sits in the chair beside Harry's bed and watches his chest rise and fall, his eyes flutter open. When Harry first sees Louis, his initial reaction is surprise. Louis had bags under his eyes, like he hadn't slept for days and his collar bones stuck out much more than they used to. Was Louis not eating? Louis was losing sleep over Harry?

"Louis." Harry's voice is deep and raspy like it hadn't been used in weeks.

"Oh Harry." Louis croaks. Harry moves over on the bed and pats the now bare space, signalling for Louis to get on the bed. Louis chokes on sob and he laughs weakly and climbs on the bed. He nestles his head on Harry's chest and wraps his arms tight around Harry's waist. Harry hisses, Louis' tight grip causing his cuts on his stomach to hurt. Louis sits up, alarmed.

"What? What is it?"

"Nothing Lou, just my stomach." Stupid, why did I tell him that? Harry thinks to himself.

"What about your stomach?" Louis pushes back the blankets and goes to lift up Harry's ghastly hospital gown - it's one of those ones that doesn't have a back on it - but Harry's hand grabs his wrist stopping him. "Harry." He growls. "Let me see your stomach." Harry sighs loudly, giving up and releases his wrist.

Louis cautiously lifts up the gown and gasps at the sight before him. He notices Harry's thighs first, then his sunken stomach and very noticeable ribs, all covered in scars and cuts. Louis can feel his chest tighten and the tears begin to pool in his eyes. Without thinking, he leans down, ignoring the squeak of protest from Harry and lightly kisses all the scars on his thighs before moving up to his stomach and doing the same thing. With each kiss, he whispers sweetly against the skin, saying things like 'perfect', 'beautiful' and 'flawless'. His tears are dripping onto the skin and Harry can feel it but he doesn't care; he can feel his own tears beginning to fall because fuck, Louis is just perfect. Harry puts his finger under Louis' chin and tilts his head up. Louis complies but then he notices Harry's wrist and sobs. He grabs his wrist and places kisses all over the skin once again.

"Harry, why?"

"I can't tell you Louis."

"Why not?!" Louis snapped.

"Because you're the reason!" As soon as the word left his mouth, Harry regrets it.

"W-what?" Louis' bottom lip trembles as he speaks and Harry really hates himself now. "H-how am I the r-reason?"

"Because..." Harry groans, stuffing his head into his hands. "Just because Lou."

"That's your reason?! Because?! So I'm just supposed to sit here and know that I caused you - my best friend -  to inflict self-harm and not know exactly why since the only reason you tell me is because?!" Louis finished his rant, tears running freely down his flushed cheeks as he jumped off the bed and storming to the door. "Let me know when you're ready to grow up and tell me exactly why I caused you to do that." And with that, he left, slamming the door behind him.

Louis runs down the hallway, wiping angrily at the tears falling from his eyes as he  ignores the confused calls from Anne and Gemma. He's almost out the door when he runs into someone, not just anyone; his fiancé.

 "Lou, we need to talk."