Yours (On Hold - Revamping)

Chapter 16 - Defusing (November 08, 2016)

"As you know, your past sessions have been for your critical stress debriefing..." Ani Dra. Wanda Jurilla sa'kin habang naglalakad kami sa mall.

Nakaka-ilang linggo na rin since I agreed to ask for professional help. Pero nakaka-dalawang sessions pa lang kami ni Dr. Jurilla dahil hindi rin naman ganoong kadali kumuha pumila ang mga katulad kong umaasa sa libre. Kung hindi lang siguro umabot sa pag-suka ko sa Siomayan, hindi ko rin naman ako ipipilit ito.

"And you might me wondering why we're here. Back in the site where you experienced your trauma."

I flinched at the word trauma. I didn't know why such word really has gravitas because the memory came like a lightning into my mind and sent shivers down my spine.

Hindi ko halos maintindihan when Dr. Jurilla explained something about defusing. Na dapat daw sana ay ginagawa ang bagay na ito sa araw mismo ng insidente to allow ventilation of emotions.

Tumango-tango na lang ako kahit hindi ko minsan naiintindihan ang ilang detalye sa sinasabi niya. Pinagtatagpi-tagpi ko na lang sa isip ko na parang sobrang bagal yata magproseso ngayon.

"But since we didn't have the luxury of time before, we'll still try to do it now. Will it be fine Sari?"

Tumango ako. Alam ko naman na maraming pasyente si doktora. And hindi lang time ang luxury, wala din akong pera para maging priority sa mga ganitong parang sakit ng isang mayaman.

Mahirap talagang alagaan ang mental health kung wala kang pera.

"It's obvious that you're still emotionally charged, kaya gagawin pa rin natin ito, kahit na dapat sana, mas nauna natin itong ginawa, ideally sana before you sleep that first night, pero kakayanin pa rin natin ngayon. Okay?"

"Okay lang po doktora."

Sa totoo lang, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na sinamahan niya ako dito. Dahil hindi ko rin alam kung makakabalik pa ako dito anytime soon.

She asked me to take her to where it happened.

I meekly described her where Oliver and I were walking kahit na paulit-ulit na naming napagusapan ito. Nasabay na rin ako na maging paulit-ulit sa mga sinasabi ko. It was quite scary how details of the things I'm saying evolves the more I repeat it. Na parang nire-redress ko ang ibang detalye.

But Dra. Jurilla assured me that no matter what I say, it won't be used against me. Dahil nasa therapy kami at hindi sa isang deposition. Hindi ako nililitis. And she's here to help me.

The thing about my shrink, she doesn't even look like one. Kasalanan ko rin naman na may textbook image ako ng isang psychologist sa utak ko, pero iba pa rin. Para lang kasing ka-edad ko siya. With her little frame and maybe a 5 flat height.

Napagalaman kong 31 years old na siya, pero ang cute lang. Nahiya tuloy ang mga tulad kong big-boned girl sa kanya. Mas mukha pa kasi akong tita kaysa sa kanya na maganda na, halatang successful pa. Enough to take charity cases like me.

"Then where did the man jump?" Tanong niya nang makarating kami sa gitna. 'Di tulad ng araw na 'yun, walang katao-tao ngayon sa activity area. It's as if they've prepared the whole area for us to do this.

"Dito po." Itinuro ko sa kanya kung saan ako nakatayo.

"At saan naman nakatayo ang kaibigan mo?"

"Dito po."

Itinuro ko sa kanya approximately kung gaano kalayo sa akin si Oliver. Magkaharap kasi kami noon at alam kong may ilang dipa din ang agwat namin. Mahilig kasi si Olaf na tumingin sa mga mata ng kausap niya kaya mahirap maglakad habang naguusap ng kasabay siya dahil kailangan niyang magmaintain ng eye contact. That's how he preserves a conversation.

"So dito siya bumagsak?" I noticed her tone slightly changing. It's more inquisitive this time, more than the neutral tone before.

"Ah, opo." I tried to be as honest as possible. Besides, I'm doing this not for anybody else but myself. Kaya wala na dapat akong itago para sa ikabubuti ko.

"Dito siya bumagsak but it was your friend who got hurt?" She said with a higher pitch this time.

"O-opo?" I didn't know why my answer sounded more like a question.

"And you were unscathed?"

Parang gusto kong umiyak. Why is this becoming more and more like a cross-examination now? Akala ko ba nandito siya para tulungan ako.

"How were you okay? Nakita mo ba na may tatalon?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Ani Dra Jurilla nang mapansin ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko. Isn't it a travesty in her profession to be like this? I felt really really offended. Na para bang kasalanan ko na nakaligtas ako? At si Oliver ang nasaktan?

"S-omebody happened to save me!" Halos mapasigaw ako sa pagsagot. "I didn't know what happened, somebody— a schoolmate— lunged onto me and pushed me out of harm's way. And I'm sorry that I wasn't able to take Oliver with us dahil hindi ko alam! I didn't know what was happening until I saw that severed head!"

Parehas kaming natigilan. Nakita ko sa mukha ni Dra Jurilla ang pagaalala na may kasamang pagsisisi.

"I'm really sorry if it came across like that. Of all people, ako pa talaga ang umakto ng ganito sa'yo. It's just that i felt, it seemed like I heard a similar story way way before. Sorry. Nabigla lang ako."

"Storya nino?"

She was taken aback by my question. Na parang lahat ng nasabi at ginawa niya ngayong araw ay mali.

"N-no one. Maybe it's just a dream. Or deja vu."

Grabe. This is already the 3rd day of our session. And it's just so unbecoming of mu shrink to act and be like this. Jumpy. Vague. Uncertain. Because despite her small frame and docile appearance, she really looked smart. In all angles. Palagi lang niyang dinadala ang sarili niya in a graceful way.

Pero hindi ngayon. She looked even more rattled than me— the patient.

While looking like a nervous wreck, she looked up. Doon mismo sa kung saan tumalon 'yung lalaki bago bumagsak sa'kin. Almost sure that that's where the man came from.

I felt chills running down my spine. Hindi ko naman tinuro sa kanya kung saan mismo ito tulamon at kung anong floor. But she looked straight into it without even batting an eyelash.

I followed her gaze.

Until i see a familiar face.

"Henrii?" I heard Dra. Jurilla whispered.

She's right. He's there again. Nasa paligid na naman si Hunter. And I realized something.

"Do you know him?"

Henrii. Henrii is Hunter Henrii.

What in the world is happening?

*later*

>>Next Chapter: Chapter 18 - Freesia