Yours (On Hold - Revamping)

Chapter 18 - Freesia (November 09, 2016)

Hindi ko alam how we ended our debriefing. Basta ang alam ko I was once again under her spell. By spell i meant kumabig siya at bumalik sa dati niyang anyo. Bumalik si Dra. Jurilla into her impersonal, objective self and has successfully reeled the session back on track. Hindi ko na din namalayan eh.

Basta, she tried to normalize my reactions. That everything that I felt during and after the incident was completely okay. That initially being numb was okay, and that me barfing all over some place is just natural. And i just nees to acknowledge my feelings.

Nilibot din namin ang lugar as she asked me some good memories I had from the place. This exercise was particularly the hardest dahil kahit marami man akong naranasang nakakatuwa dito sa mall na ito, the recent suicide just completely washed it down the drain.

Hindi na rin naman ako pinilit ni Dra. Jurilla. She said it's just normal for me to have difficulty in this aspect. It'll take time, but we'll get there.

"You and I will have a very very good and long bond, Sari. And I'm looking forward to see you grow out of your box."

Hindi ko alam kung magpapasalamat ba ako o ano eh. Dahil kung ibig niyang sabihin ay matagal na panahon pa kaming magsasama, does that mean that my problems weren't as easy to deal with as it seems?

Tumango na lang din ako at binigyan siya ng maliit na ngiti.

Bago siya tuluyang magpaalam, may ibinigay siya sa akin na maliit na bagay na nakabalot ng cellphone.

"Ano po ito?"

But when my eyes cleared, I realized it is a small cactus. A cute little one!

"For your birthday, Sari."

"P-po?" Nahiya ako. Alam kong sinabi ko sa kanya kung kailan ang birthday ko when I filled out my files. Pero nakakahiya na she felt the need to give me a gift. Dahil mas marami nga siyang favor na binigay sa libreng sessions ko, pero ako pa talaga 'yung may ganito.

"Didn't you say you like plants?"

I do! And I'm thankful for that!

"Thank you! Thank you!" Nagpasalamat na lang ako. I knew it would be an endless gratefulness towards my shrink, but I'm very much okay to give it.

Sobrang ite-treasure ko ang cactus na ito dahil minsan lang din naman ako makatanggap ng regalo eh. Kahit si Minelli na kaibigan ko, she just treats me to a fancy resto, o kaya naman bibigyan ako ng gift cards na nakuha niya sa nanay niya. Which of course pinagpapasalamat ko rin. Pero matagal na siguro noong huling may nagbigay sa akin ng totoong regalo.

'Yung tipong maitatago mo talaga katulad nito. Kahit sa isang araw pa ang birthday ko, ngayon pa lang, ang saya-saya ko na!"

True enough, I've created a better memory in this place. Although sinadya siguro ito ni Dra Jurilla as part of her debriefing and coping up, I'm still really genuinely thankful.

***

Pumasok ako ng uni kinabukasan ng punong-puno ang puso. Kahit nga 'yung halaman ko sa likod apektado ng mood ko. Ginagawa ko lang din naman kasi ang mga bilin ni Dra. Jurilla. Nagdadasal ako sa umaga para ipagpasalamat lahat ng mga biyaya. She cleared it out that I'm doing this not because of my religion, but to strengthen my spirituality. Dahil magkaiba daw 'yun.

And she also reminded me to tell myself that whatever happened that day wasn't my fault.

"Ibang-iba ngiti natin ah." Bati ni Minelli sa'kin nang masalubong niya ako sa may gate. "Bakit? Kayo na ba ni Oliver? Ha? Ha?" She teased me.

Naalaa ko tuloy na kailangan niya nga palang i-check ulit si Oliver sa ospital. Palagi naman silang nagte-text pero dahil sa mga sessions niya kay Dr. Jurilla, nauubos na rin ang kaunti niyang free time.