Fractured

Chapter 54

Chapter 54

That next morning... was so awkward.  We got up and got ready for the day - me for school and him for work.  And it killed me because I just wanted to talk to him and tell him I was so sorry.  That I was sorry and was such a bitch that didn't deserve anything from him.  I shouldn't have put my walls up like that so aggressively.  I at least should have respected what he said and said I need some time or space....  I should not have yell at him and made him feel like shit.  But it freaked me out what he said, and I was still feeling shaky knowing he loved me when I woke up that morning.

I tried getting ready fast.  Not because I didn't want to be near him - though that was very tense, I will admit.  But because I wanted time to talk with him hopefully before he heads to work and before Ramper picks me up.  I knew he probably wouldn't want to talk though.  I stole glances out of the corner of my eyes when I was  putting my hair in a bun as he was rolling up his bed and blankets in my closet.  His face looked... torn.  He held a blank and hiding expression.  And Luke never met my eyes, always looking down with a scowl, not saying a word to me.  It hurt me, yes. But I knew I deserved it and more.

I kept checking the clock as I got ready.  And I had a good ten minutes to spare by the time I was done.  I noticed Luke was taking his time though - probably on purpose.  He wanted to keep himself busy getting ready until the last second where he would have to rush out the door.  I hoped that wouldn't happen.  I planned for it to not.  I needed to see him and talk for at least a moment before we left.

I was sitting in the living room on the couch after I was done getting ready.  Waiting for my ride... but more importantly waiting for Luke to come down and head to work.  When he couldn't avoid it anymore, he came down.  And I watched him as he neared the front door to put his shoes on.  I looked him over... my heart aching.  Because I loved him so much and I felt sick this whole time, knowing I hurt him.  I wanted to hug him to me and kiss him and tell him I loved him back.  It all seemed... like too much and like I would be making a mistake if I did that though.

Dressed in his tan uniform, belt wrapped around his waist, it was soon hidden after he also put on his police uniform jacket.  Looking up to his face though as he slid it on after his shoes, I saw his face blank and eyebrows dipped in hurt, even as he tried avoiding my stare.  And I couldn't take it any longer.

"Luke," I said in a breath as I stood up and walked over to him from the couch.  The first word said between us today... and there would be more, I would make sure.  That one strangled word would be the start.  Because we needed a start, especially from me who pushed him away and shut him out. 

He didn't look up as he grabbed the keys on the little table next to the door.  By the time I reached him though, I stopped him from going out the door.  I gripped his arm and held him back, moving my body around him and to the door. My back to the door as I looked up at him, gripping his arm, I begged for his eyes to meet mine.  And... he wouldn't. His eyes were down and to the floor between us and his body was tense.  Face still blank and it drove me crazy.  I know I deserved the pain and this sick feeling in me though. I deserved that pain I inflicted on him.  I was all that stood between him and the door and I prayed he wouldn't fight me on that.

"I need to go to work," he finally mumbled when I wouldn't move or let his arm go. 

"Would you please look at me," I said in a small and sorry voice.  Biting my lip, I watched his eyes that were down stay that way.  But I waited... and needed him to look at me.  I needed to talk to him before he leaves.  It was eating at me and he needed to know I didn't mean to be such a bitch to him.

When his eyes finally looked up and met mine for the first time since last night, my heart jumped.  Because that color made my knees weak and I loved him to death.  But his eyes... they showed me more than blankness.  Pain and anger.  Pain and love and sadness.  "I need to go to work.  Please move," he said in a flat voice.