lost and found {stenbrough} COMPLETED

ten

stanley shot up in bed, sobbing and shaking for the ninth day in a row.

this nightmare was the same, but instead of bill leaving, it was even worse than anything he'd imagined. the dream showed how much pain he had caused him, and the way the boy left was something he couldn't think about without breaking down.

he accepted that the boy in his dreams was bill.

the previous day, he didn't leave his room, as usual. he couldn't bring himself to. ms. ellen noticed how bad he was getting, and no matter how much she tried to get him to leave his room, he wouldn't budge. he had a lot of time to think though, and he came to the realization that he was most likely gay. he wouldn't be able to admit that he was without speaking to richie first. he realized that he definitely had feelings for bill, but couldn't admit that those feelings showed he wasn't straight. he wanted bill to know how he felt, but he knew he hurt him and he couldn't bring himself to face him.

after refusing to see his doctor these past few days, it wasn't a suggestion anymore. ms. ellen told him to get dressed, and waited outside of his room. she walked him to the nurses station, changing his bandages, then sitting outside of his doctors room with him.

"you need to talk to your doctor, stanley. you deserve to be happy, but you have to let others in and you have to let them help." she spoke, her words laced with concern. stanley couldn't bring himself to respond.

he knew ms. ellen was right, and he began to realize that she actually cared. he was surrounded with so much care in the hospital, more than he ever was in his own home. he knew he had to talk to his doctor, but the only problem that remained was that he couldn't tell his doctor about bill. that was what he needed to talk about. he never thought about the nightmares, he just needed to figure out what to do about bill.

"i'll always be here to talk if you don't want to talk to anyone else. i have to get back to the unit, but i'm usually in the childrens unit if i'm not with you guys. do not be afraid to ask to speak to me." she spoke, leaving stanley to wait.

he looked up at the clock, reading 6:47 am. still too fucking early.

several minutes later, his doctors door opened.

bill walked out, dr. boyde behind him.

he made eye contact with stanley, then turning away towards his room as it became too much to look at him.

the guilt stanley felt as he walked into that office crushed him.

he sat down, anxious for the doctor to start speaking.

"stanley, you need to come speak to me, especially if you're feeling worse." he trailed off, before speaking up again. "i see you haven't been eating or going to groups either. i hate to tell you this, but if you continue to refuse to eat, we'll probably have to put you in another unit."

"i physically can't, and you're going to punish me for that?" stanley asked, his feelings taking over.

"it wouldn't be a punishment. we need to make sure you're being treated for the most important things out of what you're dealing with, and we might even be able to get through all of it, as you'll be here longer than most patients."

stanley nodded, numbness filling every inch of him.

"has anything changed since we started? changes in energy, motivation, mood, sleep?"

"i still just feel numb, but everything also hurts-" he paused. "i don't really understand it."

"energy? sleep?"

"i've been sleeping a lot more, but not as much throughout the night." stanley spoke quietly.

"do you know why you haven't been sleeping at night?"