Together (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Choosing Sides

«Harry's POV»

Fuck it, I thought. Just fuck it.

I threw my suitcase across the room in clammer, clothes flying out of the sides as it landed on the floor next to my dresser. I contemplated leaving my luggage behind, but thought better of it. It would seem suspicious if I traveled with nothing, and i wasn't in the mood to be security checked.

8 days. I had been here in London for 8 days. My original trip was only for 5, as that's all the vacation days my job allowed. But I stayed an extra three thinking Lou would come around, thinking that maybe the man who couldn't stop professing his love and appreciation for me would agree to see me, just once, for just one hour, after I had flown 12 hours to come see him.

But no. That was just too much to ask for apparently.

I tried to understand. I tried to emphasize I really did. I know body dysmorphia like an old friend. I know how hard it is, how excruciatingly difficult it makes it to put on your clothes in the morning, how hideous you feel in photos. Fuck, i still feel that way sometimes.

But I also know that you can push past it, and that it's not enough to ignore someone for 8 days. Because even if Lou was struggling with his body, he could cover up in layers, he could go see his therapist. He could listen to me when I fucking tell him he's the most beautiful man in the world. He could do something, anything, but ignore me.

But he did ignore me. And that's what hurt the most — because it told me that it might not just be about body image issues, it might be about me. It might be that he doesn't trust me. That he doesn't love me. And that's just way too heartbreaking for me to handle.

Grabbing my suitcase, I decided to give Louis one last call. I had been texting and calling both him and Fizzy each day just to see if I could come over — or if we could meet for a short time. But the answer was always no.

"I just, i can't today, Harry. I'm trying to work on it. I really am. I made a breakthrough today in therapy," Lou had sniffled on the phone two days ago. "I can't believe I'm doing this to you. You should go, you should just go home."

But of course I didn't. I stuck around thinking he would come around. Because I'm a desperate fucking animal like that.

As I headed out the door, Lou's message machine began to sound, and I resisted the urge to toss my phone across the hall like I did with my suitcase. I didn't get angry often, but when I did, I was volatile, and I could hardly control myself right now.

Im not even going to lie about how I've been coping. I tried to spend time in London like it was a vacation, going to my favorite shops, seeing a play, —next to the empty seat I had purchased for Louis— and visiting the markets. I even met up with some old friends from uni. But even though I was functioning and doing things that should've been fun, i still couldn't dull the emptiness in my chest. And so I skipped meals to help me get by, the empty feeling seeping jnto my stomach and soothing my being, even if it was just for a little while.

It's not to say that it worked, really. It just made me so much hungrier later on in the day, and I would overeat, my body wracking with guilt as I realized I was failing on all fronts — even the one thing I used to be the best at. My inability to starve myself frustrated me beyond belief, and I resisted the urge to purge, knowing that it would just worsen the cycle. Each day felt like pure torture

As I shoved my oversized suitcase into the tiny elevator, kicking it wildly to make it fit, my phone rang in my pocket, the tiny vibrations buzzing on my thigh.

"Hello?" I said answering it with a shaky hand. I stepped into the doorway, preventing the elevator from descending.

"I.. you called?" Louis squeaked. It was hard to be mad at him when he was so cute and vulnerable, but I was holding my ground. He had taken things too far.

"Yes. I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving, Louis. I have to go back to work," I said shortly.

Silence greeted me on the other end.

"Well, that's all I care to share," I snapped. "Take care of yourself."

"I fucked up.... I... can. I come over?" louis begged. His voice was desperate, quivering slightly.

"God damn it Louis you had 8 days! Now that I'm leaving you want me?!" I nearly shouted. I was losing control over my emotions now, but I didn't care. Fuck him if he thought he could just take advantage of me like this.

"I.... fuck, Harry. 8 days is what it took to lose weight to be good enough to see you, and I'm still not good enough, but fuck, I miss you..." Louis stammered, his voice raising an octave.

"You what?" I demanded. "You lost weight to see me? Honestly, Louis. You just took ten steps backwards, there. And there was no reason to lose weight "for me." I want you to gain it.... Jesus, you're so sick can't you fucking see that? You're hurting everyone, you're hurting yourself, you're hurting me!!"

I was crying now, visibly, and people were coming down the hall trying to get into the elevator. Grunting, I grabbed my suitcase and headed down the hall in the opposite direction, opting to take the stairs for fear of losing reception in the elevator.

"I know. I know okay? I've realized how fucked I've treated you since the day you got back to New York — I shouldn't have lost weight but fuck it Harry I'm going god damn crazy here and it's all I could do to keep myself sane. Don't you understand me at all? You were just like me.... just a few years ago... you know I'm not trying to...."

"Here's the thing though," I cut him off. "I. GOT. BETTER. i worked fucking hard and i pushed through it and i got better. With you there. With you helping me. I let you help me, Lou. Do you not remember? I'll thank you for that til the day I die, but don't you dare forget that I offered to be with you every step of the way and you said FUCKING NO."

"Honestly, Harry. You fucking disgust me. Get the fuck out of here, and don't you ever come back. I knew you would leave me again!!" He fumed. He was screaming into my ear, but I didn't pull the receiver away. I liked the pain.

"Im leaving because you pushed me away. I waited 8 days. I'm in trouble at work now, behind on endless deadlines. A client might drop us," I snorted. "I was waiting for you. Because I love you. I thought you'd come around but of course, you push me away."

"Maybe we were never meant to be together at all.... maybe Im meant to be alone," Lou said, his voice falling. He seemed deeply upset now. I almost felt bad, but I didn't.

"Whether or Not we belong together is something we have to figure out. But with Ana in the picture, it seems like there's no room for me," I replied, tears flowing as I said the name of my biggest demon, my worst adversary. It made me sick to know that she now had a grip on Louis too.

"I don't want Ana, Harry. I want you," he said. It was nearly a whisper, but I heard him loud and clear.

"Then prove it," I said. And I clicked off the phone, trudging down the stairs with my suitcase and shoving my phone in my pocket.