Hold My Girl

Chapter 22

Days in the NICU slowly began to blend together. It was hard to distinguish when one day ended and another began. My life became a contestant circus of pumping when she fed, napping when she napped and spending the rest of my time camped out at the edge of Avery's incubator. I could only differentiate between days depending on who had shown up to visit. Harry's mum had appeared on day 3 unable to hold off any longer, my parents had appeared on day 4 and Allison had tried her best to pop in every day if only for half an hour and her visits were vital in keeping me sane and in touch with the outside world. The whole experience was overwhelming and anti-climactic in the same thread. I was overwhelmed by the hospital, the nurses, tests, oxygen levels, incubators, red blood cell counts, hot cot's, stats and numbers. But at the same time her arrival felt anticlimactic. I'd had my baby girl but 5 days later we were still in the hospital barely being allowed to be parents. On day 2 Harry and I had been shown how to tube feed her then on day 3, bottle feed her with the expressed milk I'd been pumping ever hour of the day. I never thought I'd see Harry so eager to change a nappy then finally on day 4 we were allowed to change her nappies. We'd finally been allowed to hold her 48 hours after she was born. After her oxygen levels had improved and eventually plateaued she'd developed a severe case of jaundice which meant she had to spend as much time as possible in her incubator under a UV light. Which meant, apart from feeding, we weren't really allowed to hold her. I was even given a special portable lamp that I had to hold against her while I attempted to breastfeed her myself, which wasn't exactly working very well for us yet, but I would keep trying. But it was Harry I felt most sorry for. At least I get to cradle her when I'm feeding her. Harry couldn't do much more than watch her through the incubator. In his defence he was the best guardian I'd ever seen. From the moment he arrived at the hospital at 8am sharp till the moment he left at 9pm he barely moved from her side. He read to her and hum to her because he figured if he could barely hold her the least he could do was get her used to the sound of his voice. It warmed my heart when I arrived at her room every morning to see that Harry was already there. On day 5 we were told that her blood count levels had improved meaning the jaundice was slowly starting to fade. Her blood needed checked a further 3 times over the next 24 hours and if the levels of bilirubin in her blood continued to decline without the help of the UV lamp then we might finally get to take her home tomorrow. The best part of this news was that she'd finally be put into a cot and out of that goddamned goldfish bowl.

Harry hovered over the Nurse as she prepared Avery's little cot in preparation for getting rid of the incubator.

"Should we give her an extra blanket now she's out in the real world?" Harry asked peering over her shoulder as she dressed the tiny little mattress, adding blankets Harry had brought from home.

"It's up to yourselves" The nurse smiled over at Harry. "The rooms pretty warm though so she should be fine with just the one" I let out a small chuckle as Harry nodded in understanding and rolled from the balls of his feet to his toes then back again so he could be just that little bit closer to the nurse.

"Would you like to do the honours Harry?" The nurse finally asked as stepped back from her space between the cot and the incubator. Avery rustled as if she was anticipating her daddies touch.

"Do you want to...?" Harry looked at me, unsure.

"Nope, be my guest" I gestured towards our daughter, unfurling my legs from underneath me, I got out of the large leather chair I was in. Slowly I wandered over, standing at the top of the cot, trying not to crowd Harry.

"Ok" He mumbled more to himself. The nurse moved out of the way and started busying herself with paperwork at the bench at the back of the room.

"I just put my hand.... here" Harry' s brow was furrowed as he mumbled to himself and I found it so endearing. Spending every waking moment in this hospital for the last 5 day's I'd started to find my grove. I was confident in lifting her out of the incubator, because after the first day the nurses just left me to get on with it. I was used to handling her petite little body and supporting her neck and head. It was starting to come to me. I wouldn't for a second say anything was easy but I was starting to find my confidence with my baby but Harry was still getting there. Because the feeding was my gig and we hadn't been allowed much contact he was still scared to touch her. I could see it in the way he gingerley lifted her head into his hands and the look of sheer panic in his eyes. But I wouldn't crowd him, and I wouldn't for a second tell him how to do it or that he was doing it wrong. It took a lot of self control but Avery was his baby too, I had to let him find his way.

"As easy as that" I smiled as Harry beamed down at Avery as he placed her into her cot. She snuffled her cute little noises before turning her head and going back to sleep. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"That was the scariest thing I've ever done" He stage whispered, his eyes darting to the nurse to make sure she wasn't listening, then darting back to me. His eyes crinkled at the corners and he smiled at me.

As I wheeled the large armchairs closer to the cot the nurse came to wheel the incubator out of the room, leaving us alone.

"Do you still want to take her back to mine?" Harry asked as he settled into one of the arm chairs, his elbows resting on his knees as he leant forward to watch Avery sleeping. His eyes were fixed on Avery as she slept soundly in her cot but his ears were waiting on my answer. His plain black T-shirt was pulled tight over his shoulders as he sat tense, waiting on my answer. Harry's hair was starting to get long again and I had to suppress the urge to run my fingers through the soft brown curls that tickled his neck. He liked having his hair played with and I knew it would ease the tension in his body.

I already knew my answer, but out of fairness to Harry I really considered what he was asking. Getting thrown straight into the NICU had kind of given us a false start at this parenting malarkey. Avery slept brilliantly because there was very little noise, she was on a pretty strict feeding schedule and if I struggled to get her settled after a feed there was a well trained nurse on hand to do it for me. There had been times over the few nights we'd been here where I was so exhausted I had slept through one of her night feeds, and the nurses were too kind to wake me so they let me have that extra sleep. I knew it would be much different when we got home. There wouldn't be trained medical staff on hand to show me everything, to answer my ridiculous, incessant questions, or cover a night feed so I could get some extra sleep.

But if I went home to my flat, just Avery and I, I wouldn't have anyone. It would be me, on my own, all the time. And that thought filled me with dread. Despite the fact I was desperate to get out of the hospital, I couldn't do it alone. I needed support. I needed someone to help with feeds, with changing her, with rocking her to sleep. And I wanted that person to be Harry. I knew my parents would stick around for a few weeks and my mum would be more than happy to stay with me if I asked her. But I don't want it to be her. I wanted Harry to be my person.

He looked at me after a moment, concern lacing his gaze and I still hadn't given him an answer. His usual ring clad fingers were bare, opting to leave all his jewellery at home because handling a 5lb baby with all the metal in his fingers wasn't easy. His hands looked different. His fingers looked longer, leaner and it was more obvious that he was nervous because I could see clearly how he was fidgeting and running his hands through one another.

I looked at her small, sleeping figure, all curled up, cosy in her little pale pink baby grow and her dinky little hat that was still a little too big which made her head look even smaller but we didn't have any hats small enough to fit her. I felt a smile tug at my lips as she snuffled in her sleep, wrinkling her tiny little nose up. I knew she was readying herself to wake up, she was due fed in 10 minutes.

"I don't want to do this alone" I told him simply.

"You wouldn't have to be alone. I'd be there during the day. Your mum would be there for a while, I know my mum will want to hang around and help out... a lot. You'd still have support at the flat"

I looked up into his green gaze, he had shifted in his seat so he was facing me now. He looked serious and it made me feel a bit quesy.

"Are you saying you don't want me to move in anymore?" My voice was almost a whisper but I knew I wasn't emotionally strong enough to say it any louder.

"I want nothing more than to take you both home with me. But I want to make sure you're doing it for the right reasons"

What were the right reasons? Because I didn't want to be a single parent? Because I couldn't face a screaming baby on my own for a while? Because actually sharing a house with someone could be quite fun? I hadn't shared a house with anyone since I'd left Uni. Or because if we were in the same house I could pretend my relationship with Harry was more serious that it actually was.