Filthy Little Secret - Draco x reader

9 - Don't lose yourself

It's been a little over a month since that time in the Astronomy tower and things have changed for the better. The longer it goes on, the less secretive Draco becomes. We were caught once, by Umbridge for Merlin's sake, and I took out my best acting skills. Draco wasn't the worst either, coming up with this story about how he found me walking through the halls, on my way to madam Pomfrey, shivering and looking extremely pale. How he, like the good prefect that he is, talked to me and wanted to bring me to the Hospital Wing. Umbridge sure isn't the brightest. It was fun though. I stayed into the Hospital wing for a night and Draco came to "visit me" in the morning, joking about how ill I looked.

He'd now send me winks in the hallway, or whisper stuff in my ear during class, making me flustered and blush like a mad man, him enjoying that thoroughly. I'm not holding back either, talking to other guys to make him jealous - and believe me, he gets jealous very easily. This would most of the times result in a makeout session later that day.

Crabbe and Goyle, as well as Pansy, are getting suspicious though, something he was a bit worried about. He said that his dad would probably not be very approving of what he was doing.

And along the way, I'm getting to know him quite well. We'll sometimes sit in the Astronomy tower, talking about life. Or we send owls back and forth, just talking about what happened that day and expressing our hate for Umbridge, who is taking more control by the day. I like it, I like him.

It took me a while to realise how much I've grown to like him, and it scares me, because even though I'm positive that he feels the same way, I'm not sure if he'd ever put it out in the open. And that doesn't sit right with me. His behaviour has changed so much, I need to know if it's still kind of a game to him. I just don't want to get hurt in the end.

I've told Cho and Luna, but only them and they've sworn to stay silent. Cho didn't really approve of it, but she still listened and gave me advice, which I really appreciate. Luna is the last person to judge someone, so she's been quite supportive, even though she also told me to be careful, which is totally normal. Draco isn't the most reliable person, there's no doubt about that. I'll never forget what she said about a week ago: "I really think that it could be beneficial for the both of you, since you're opposites, as long as you don't lose yourself, that's really important. You've always been strong and independent, a guy shouldn't change that."

So that's what I've decided to act on today. There's only a week before Christmas break and he's going back home for that time, so it's now or never. I'm staying at Hogwarts since, well, dad. I don't want to be pondering over all these questions whilst here. Cho suggested to ask him on a date to Hogsmeade this weekend, which is a terrifying idea, but not a bad one. Strong and independent, right?

I'm sitting at the Ravenclaw table at lunch and without knowing, I've chosen the worst spot to sit in. The Ravenclaw table is in between the Gryffindor and Slytherin one and opposite of me, at the Slytherin table, sits the handsome Draco Malfoy. He constantly looks at me and it's driving me mad. It's distracting as hell. I decide to ignore him but I can feel his eyes burning on me and I have the constant urge to look back. Note to self: never, ever sit on this side of the table ever again.

Luckily owls start flying in with mail. I've gotten 3 letters since I've arrived here. One from an aunt and 2 from some friends back at Ilvermorny. The owls are having a rough couple of weeks with the upcoming holidays. I've sent my white owl, Y/O/N, to Ilvermorny two days ago with Christmas cards. I really hope he makes it in time. I sent my dad one as well, I'm hoping for a response, but I'm doubting it. Even though we're not close at all, I still kind of miss him.

A grey owl drops an envelope in front of me and so does a light brown one. I look in my pocket for some treats and give them both some, before they fly off again. It's funny how easily you can identify the sender by their owl. The grey one with the crooked beak is definitely from Layla, a friend back in Ilvermorny and the light brown one, with golden flecks in his eyes is from my aunt and uncle on my dad's side. I have very little contact with my family from my mum's side, since they're muggles and not really familiar with owlpost. My owl is as white as snow and Draco's is black. Damn, there he is again.

I look up and see that Draco has gotten a letter as well. It's a black envelope with a neat piece of parchment in it. It does not really look like Christmas greetings, definitely not when I see his expression change. First he looks confused, then sad and now his face is slowly becoming a frown of anger. What the hell is in that letter?

Suddenly he looks up, straight into my eyes and I bounce back a bit. His look changes into a desperate one. As soon as he realises I'm looking he turns his head, grabs his stuff and leaves.

"Hey guys, I'm going, I'll see you later", I say, take my bag and leave. Let's see what that is about. Maybe I'll wait a little longer with asking him out on that date. Or maybe that'll cheer him up.

I look through the corridor and see him turn around a corner, towards the Astronomy tower, of course. I follow him. He seems to be in a hurry and I've got trouble keeping up with him.

As I run up the stairs I can hear him shouting and punching something. Merlin's beard, what is going on? Should I interrupt? I decide to wait outside for a bit until he is calmed down. I hear him mumbling some stuff, but I can't seem to make out what he's saying. Something along the lines of "expectations" and "pureblood".

When the noise has died down, I knock carefully on the door. I open it and take a deep breath.

Draco is leaning against a wall, rubbing his face.

"Dray, are you okay?" I ask and he looks around.

"Great", he mumbles. He looks really tense and my mind is racing for a solution.

"Want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?" I blurt out and instantly regret that. Why the hell did I do that? This is really not the time to ask that. I'm supposed to be a Ravenclaw, intelligent.

"What?" he asks and I swallow. "Nevermind", I mumble and realise how pathetic I sound. He's always praising me on how confident I am, with such self-respect. And Luna's words on how I'm strong and independent. What a joke when you see me standing here, like a little scaredy cat. What am I doing?

"I asked whether you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend, to get your mind off of things", I say to regain my posture. I walk towards him.

It only seems so tense him up more.

"Are you okay? You can talk to me, you know that right?" I say. As soon as I touch his upper arm, he snaps.

"You don't get it do you?!" He shouts. I quickly let go of his arm.

"You're asking me out on a bloody date? Are you stupid?!" I bounce back a bit, but don't let myself lose eye contact with him.

"You're a halfblood, you're not a Slytherin and American on top of that, do you really think we could date?!"

When I don't respond, he scoffs.

"Then you're even more naive than I thought you were."

That one hurt, quite a lot. Naive? Was I naive? I did think that it could possibly be something more than this sneaking around, but it's not like he didn't make it seem like that. Anger was boiling up in my chest. I hated how I was around him. A helpless kitten. And all he did was hurt me. Over and over again. Like it was nothing. And I gave him no reason to.

"We're never, ever going to be together, okay? It doesn't work like that. I can't", he says, less harsh. "It ends here, all of it", he says and walks past me.