The Art of Gravity

TOBIAS MITCHELL

I want him, badly.

Days like this are the most dangerous. Craving Noah this way... makes me anxious. I want him close to me, I wanted comfort. I wanted to seek something completely unknown to me. Glances and peeks weren't enough to satisfy me.

Loving Noah was as painful as it was pleasurable. I knew I couldn't shield him from my world forever. There was a time where I thought we could be together, as people, friends, or something more, without having to dive in to the other side. The dark side, the side I hoped Noah would never cross.

He's close, standing right outside the line. And I won't be able to stop him. I was selfish, wanting him so badly that I didn't care if it would hurt him in the end. It was days like this that I struggled to keep myself in control.

Sometimes, I want to give in. I want to march right up to him and slam my lips against his so that I can show I care more than he could ever think possible. I wanted to ignore the bad things. I wanted to forget they even existed. I wanted to run away with him. I wanted to just leave, taking nothing but Noah with me, and never come back.

But I couldn't. My mother was just as important to me as Noah. She came first, and I couldn't leave her here. Not with that... monster of a man.

I watch Noah from across the cafeteria. His big doe eyes were wide and happy, his smile taking up half of his face. I couldn't take that away from him. He chats with his friend who matched his bubbly personality. His hair was a few shades darker than Noah's, and his green eyes resembled that of a forest.

I don't feel jealous of him anymore. I just focus on Noah, staring at him as hard as he stares at me. He seems to feel it as he looks up at me, and I feel the last of my control slip as he smiles. It's more of a smirk, a teasing one at that and I've never seen him wear a smirk like that.

I bit my lip harshly, and jerk my head sharply towards the exit, and he frowns at me, but nods.

That's when I realized that I'm doing it again. I pull him closer to me while also telling him to stay away. But, I couldn't help it today. I could feel myself getting angry. This was normal on days like this; I'd get mad at myself for wanting Noah, and dragging him deeper even though I knew what was going to happen.

I guess I don't care anymore. I just want him close to me and I guess I don't care about the consequences of wanting someone I shouldn't.

No.

It's not that I shouldn't want him. It's that wanting him ultimately meant having to share my world with him, the one I didn't want him to see. The one cute, little doe — eyed boys with curly hair the shade of platinum didn't belong.

Once I see Noah stand up from his table, I begin walking towards the doors that led outside, feeling his eyes on me so I know that he was following.

We walked towards the bleachers again, that being the only place I thought we could be privately.

Once we're under the canopy of bleachers, he turns around to look at me, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Either you want me in your life or you don't. You tell me you don't want me to get hurt, that you want me to stay away. And I do, but then you go and drag me closer like you don't understand the meaning of your own words. I'm done with it, Toby. I care so much about you that I don't care if I get hurt anymore. I just want us to be like we were when we were kids. We were friends, we were happy. Why can't we be like that?"

He starts to get angry, which I can understand. I'm angry too.

I process his words before I answer, knowing I could screw everything up within an amount of minutes.

"I want you in my life," I say carefully, "But, I also want you to realize that we can never be like we were then. I do bad things, Noah. I could hurt you myself if I got angry enough. I don't have control of that, I just lash out. I want you to know that you're wanting something I don't think I can give. I don't have friends, Noah. It's just me and my mother. I want to be... I want to be something with you. I want to tell you everything, why I left? Why I changed? I want to trust you, I need someone to trust. I just... don't want you to forget what you could have. You have a great friend, great parents, you're smart, and you can get out of here. You can be happy. I don't want to jeopardize that."

He lets out a sharp breath, and looks hard at the space behind me.

"And if I did? Choose you?" He asks, and I shake my head, denying the words.

"Don't. You shouldn't—"

"I want to. Don't deny me this, please. Would it be so bad to choose you over a life that I know would just be a continuous cycle of nothingness? It's the same everyday, Toby. You're the only thing that keeps me going. You're the only thing that keeps me sane..."

I step closer to him, his words affecting me deeply, though I tried my best not to show it. Showing feelings only hurt you in the end.

"Is that why you do it? To keep yourself sane? You stare at me so you won't lose control? So you won't scream?"

His breathing is heavy now, deep as I continue closer, "You haunt me. Every night, every day. I can't sleep, I can't function... My eyes are on you all the time and I don't know why. I'm scared you're gonna disappear one day, and that I'll go insane," He whispers, "I'm scared that I'll be stuck here. Living the same life over and over again, nothing changing. I have people I care about here, I know. My parents, Sammy... But I can't just do nothing for the rest of my life. I need something different, exciting... That's you, Toby. I don't know how else to explain it."

I shake my head, and I unexpectedly chuckle a little, "You sound obsessed. You're already so close to me, and I just pull you closer..."

Noah peeks up at me from under his lashes, "I don't mind it."

I run a hand through my hair, "The thing is you should. But... I don't think it matters what I say anymore, does it? You won't give up."

Noah shakes his head, "Never. I want you to trust me, I want you to keep me alive... living."

I stare hard into his eyes, "You sure you want this? I've tried to protect you, I'll keep trying to protect you. But once you're in my life, there's no going back. Just... promise me one thing," I say, confused as to why I was agreeing to something so stupid.

Noah clenches his hands nervously, but nods, "What is it?"

I walk closer, intimidating, and place my hands above his head on the metal, caging him in my arms and staring into his eyes so that he's unable to look away.

"Promise me that when shit goes down... You won't leave," I tell him, the words whispered.

He shivers from the cool touch of my breath on his face, and nods, "I promise."

It takes all of me not to take his lips right then, but I back away, leaving him with heavy breaths and wide eyes.