Taking the Leap

Chapter 27

~Achilles~

Xander fell asleep almost as soon as we laid down on the couch. His head was propped up on a pillow on my lap. For some reason that's the position we often found ourselves in when we were relaxing. I'd always been a bit insecure about the width of my muscular thighs, but Xander said he liked lying on them and his hair was always so soft. I filed my hands through the kinky strands, finding the band Xander had used to secure his hair and removing it. His hair expanded outwards, going every which way. I definitely needed to read up on black hair, but it just seemed so complicated.

I traced my fingers through his scalp letting the full weight of the day settle in. For the first time I noticed Xander had a few strands of hair that weren't black and upon closer examination I noticed he had brown highlights.

I inhaled, breathing the scent of Xander in. He still smelled like vanilla and I wondered if it was him or the candles he seemed to like to burn. Closing my eyes, I continued running my fingers through Xander's hair. The moment was bittersweet, sweet because Xander was calm and safe in my arms and bitter because there was so much I had missed. Looking back on our relationship there had always been these strange holes, like the first time Xander had told me about Corey and called himself damaged goods, the way he seemed almost afraid of therapists, and lately, the way he'd started to blame himself for my family's bigotry.

I hadn't been sure where it was coming from but when I googled C-PTSD, his issues started making sense. The guilt, shame, and the lack of self worth. Another part of me worried about the other symptoms I hadn't seen, that he may or may not have. Did he have suicidal thoughts? Was he fixated on Corey? Did he idolize his abuser or hate him? I couldn't help but wonder if our relationship was just a reminder of his and Corey's and how things had gone so wrong there.

Beneath that, and within me was a rage so dark and deep it was alive, pulsing with its own sick, vindictive heartbeat. My mate was hurting because of another man. One who was alive and well after having treated Xander like complete shit. The human and inhuman part of me wanted to make him hurt just as badly, tear into him, make him bleed, make him hurt.

I didn't know how I was going to be able to deal with knowing the name of Xander's abuser, knowing the scent of his blood and not being able to do anything about it. Not when it was eating into him like this.

I rubbed a thumb across the scar tissue on the back of Xander's neck, trying to calm down. That was still ridiculously hot to me, like the wolf and human side of me were in consensus that it was the next best thing since sliced bread. The scar wasn't very large but the lower part of the back of Xander's neck was slightly uneven and raised in a colour that was a bit darker than his own skin. Like a palm sized birthmark. Whenever I touched the back of his neck, Xander always had an odd reaction. Even now, he made a noise almost like a moan.

I watched him wake up, enjoying the way his eyes opened and those green orbs looked happy to see me. He stared up at me for a few seconds before saying anything.  Xander's voice sounded more raspy than usual, "Are you joining a new pack?"

I started tracing the features of his face, smoothing out Xander's eyebrows and then following his hairline. His face softened as I did. "Probably, to be honest. I've been asking my mom about packs that accept people more like us. There's one not too far from Asheborne, called Twilit Grove, the Grove for short. They've got their pack meeting and run tomorrow. I wanted to check it out."

Xander sat up on the couch, rubbing his eyes in a very childlike manner. "Wow," He said. "That'll be a big change."

I put my hand on his knee, "You taught me change is good."