The Degree of Mixed Emotions

Prologue

I laid on the bed, with all my church clothes still on. Thinking, just thinking as I stared at the wall; wondering how I was going to announce to my family. I'm 20 years old and everything I do I still do it with my family. If I truly want to succeed I have to leave Michigan for a while and go chase my dreams. I don't want to do restate like my daddy and I sure as heck don't want to be a stay at home mom like my mother.

I been through too much from a early age to just be wasting my life away. Like what was the fight for if I was just going to live my life forever in a bubble? Afraid of one day leaving the nest. My brother finally did it, why can't I? One they didn't dictate his life as much as mine. I didn't even get the chance of picking my clothes until I was 16. Shoot my mom would even pick my outfits before class. This is the girl who her mother made her tell her when she was on her period each time until shoot last year.

Because as my mother says, she needs to know to make sure nothing is wrong. I just want that peace of independence, that freedom of it, I want to see the world of it, smell the world of it. Without the constance reminder someone is monitoring every move I make. I need so much more of my life then what I'm calling living now.

**
I was at the dinner table with my mom, dad and my two cousins who came over to visit. We were a very close family. Yet, sometimes very Dysfunctional since it was so many within it. All I had was them my blood, something in me says things are crazy for what I want to do. But, I needed this.

"Boo, why are you so quiet?" My daddy asked as I played around with my food.

"Yeah, your usually so talkative munchkin. Are you doing okay, you don't need to go to the hospital do you?" She asked within concern. I don't blame her being worried but I haven't had a surgery in almost two years. I think it's time to realize I'm doing a lot better. My skin has been doing good and my shunt hasn't been having problems either. So, I can do this.

"No, nothing like that." I sighed.

"No, you're not I know when something is wrong with you. I carried you for 9 months, sat by you every time in the hospital. I know when something is wrong with my child." The overprotectiveness would never end.

"I'm fine, mommy. I promise."

"Okay, than what is wrong?" She questioned as worried filled her eyes.

"I want to go to college." I blurted out, scanning the room.

"That's great baby, what school you thinking about?" I looked over to my cousins since they were quiet the whole time. They knew everything I wanted to do. Shoot, they were the ones who encourage me towards this decision. That's were truly like my sisters instead of just my cousins. They just had my back no matter what.

They were younger so I wanted to be that example for them. Since their parents weren't always the greatest example for them. That's why they were all the time. But how could I he the girl who stood out if I never let myself be uncomfortably comfortable at times?

"Well, actually to USC?"

"I'm not familiar with that one, where's that in Michigan?" My dad asked, he knew what I was talking about. He just didn't want to admit to himself, I was talking about an out of state college.

"It's in California actually. You know California State University. I want to go for Performing Arts, as you know I'm interested in it." I said with a half smile in hopes of fighting the tension that was making its way in the room.

"Isn't that where Allen is? I think that would be pretty great." My cousin Rayona  said trying to lighten up the room. When I said they were my number ones, I meant that to the core. They were my first friends my first road dogs beside my brother in life. Being sick a lot growing up I didn't have many friends.

Being out of school weeks and weeks at a time really put a strain on things. That by my freshman year, I ended up just dropping out and my mother homeschooled me. It was really the best being sick all the time than having to worry about getting better and school work. It was just making me more sick, stressing me out the way everything was. Depression started, anxiety as well. From all of this, thankfully I at least got like 2 best friend's that weren't blood related out of it. While I was going through my horror of school.

Shoot, you needed someone by you at times that wasn't sometimes going to he bias. Or the simple fact someone where because we were all family was hard to keep secrets. Not saying my cousins couldn't keep them. Just was kind of hard being so close and one of our parents just knew when something is up. Plus, I just needed an outside connection with someone.

"So, you want to go stay with your brother?" My parents asked in unison in confusion.

"No, but there's a really great colleges out there. It could truly help me accomplish my dreams."

"They got plenty of music schools here, Zamya baby. I don't feel comfortable with you leaving to go so far without you. What happens if you get sick while you're out there? Huh, I'm all for you living your dreams baby, but right now I don't feel that is safe." My mother said in concern.

"I mean I get your reasons to be concern Auntie Elaine. Just Zamya hasn't even been sick in nearly 3 years. I talked to her about this and she really feels like this is right for her." My cousin Rayona said. She always said what she knew I was lost for words on. Plus, she was planning on going to school out there too if I went. So, she was 1,000% percent on getting me out of Michigan.

"Rayona, you knew about this?" My daddy asked in shock. Usually she was very open to my parents or someway her mama found out what was suppose to be a secret between us. But Thank the Lord for Snapchat now.

"Yes, I told her I needed to make sure I talked to someone who really knew me before I made this decision or even decided to tell you guys I wanted to do this. Look, this is just my calling and I've already prayed on it several times. So, please here me out. Michigan doesn't have the same industry opportunities I want. Motown ain't really Motown anymore, daddy." I said with all the courage inside me. I looked at them studying every ounce of their faces as they set in silence.

I played in my curly hair just thinking about the possibilities that were going through their mind. I mean, they had time to think about it. It was the week after my 20th birthday in July. So, classes didn't even start until October anyway. So, I guess they had time to marinate on everything if they needed to. But I was just worried what they would say overall.

Sure I was 20 years old and could possibly just make the decision rather they wanted me to or not. Yet, in reality I needed them financially to make this move. Sure, I had money saved up to do this. Not enough to say skip their opinion and on top of that pay for a place and have enough for food and everything else I needed while going to school. So, I needed them on board.

"We'll think about it, okay?" My daddy said, usually that was his way of saying no. But I just nodded and just left it at that for now. Since I had a bigger plan to finish to get them on board. Well, at least at all for that matter.

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