Dear someone,
Love isn't a choice.
There's an emptiness that few have ever felt. I've know it my whole life, before Kyle, before I knew that anxiety was growing and then died like a weed in my body, before I started listening to these dark songs that plant a seed in my mind.
I feel like there becomes a certain time in your life when you stop wanting to tell people about what's going on with you because you start to realize that no matter how vividly you describe it to them they will never be able to understand and some can pretend that they can but then judge you because of it.
I also feel like if your lucky there becomes a point in your life where you briefly stop giving a fuck about what people think about you, it's often such a fleeting feeling but when it's there it's overpowering really. It's like you can do or say or be anyone you fucking want to be and not give a shit what anyone has to say about it.
So here I am sneaking out of Tyler's room half naked as he lies asleep in afternoon daylight. Yes we had sex
No I don't regret it.
When the fancy designer clothes come off and the expensive jewelry is taken off and he's completely stripped bare from the materialistic things that have shaped and determined his self worth since he was born, when he's down to nothing but his naked flesh, he's nothing more than just a boy. A boy who want to be loved. A boy who craves the need to be praised and accepted. Boys aren't toys but, god aren't they fun to play with?
His maid or whoever the hell she is gives me the dirtiest look as I walk out and I imagine how she must see me as I laugh to myself. A out of control dirty teenage girl, I'm sure.
And she's probably right.
I'm so lost and I'm afraid that even if I did one day get found I won't know how to be the same.
I'm not this girl. Why is it so damn easy to be this girl?
Is it wrong to tell you that right now all I can really think about is Kyle. I can only imagine how betrayed he would feel if he found out but it's not like I owe him any loyalty. So why do I care?
I hate that I care.
A/N
Short chapter but I'm kind of lacking inspiration but tell me what u guys think and vote if you want a quicker update happy Saturday.
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