Loving the Enemy

Kyle-22

Dear no one,
My thoughts are fucking racing but my bodies moving in slow motion.
-Kyle

I can stop thinking about whether or not they're fucking.

And I know it's not my place and the rational person inside me knows I shouldn't give a fuck but I do. No medication can suppress the fucks I give when it comes to her.

It's driving me crazy not knowing, I wonder if she prefers him over me, and god I know it's fucking absurd. It's not like I want her. It's just I don't want anyone else to want her either and it's sick and it's wrong and I need professional help but you see literally everyone has fucked me over, literally if we're talking about my physiologist. I'm still at school in my second to last period, a class I usually have Olivia in when I see a girl that looks almost similar to her. Her name Amanda she had curly brown hair but hers is short and her skin is too pale and her nose is too long but it doesn't matter because imma have her face down anyways, she looks like her from the back and that's all that really matters. I pass her a note and it takes two people to deliver it to her and when she gets it she looks at me before reading it after she does her face turns completely red and I smirk. She rights down something on then she passes it back.
I'm in.

We both ask to go to the bathroom and our dumbass chemistry teacher just nods as soon as we're in the hallway alone she kisses me up against the wall
and I resist the urge to gag. Ew,
I push her off me and then push her head in a downwards motion I usually refrain from doing this but it works, and when she's done I can even look at her from the shame.

It's almost sad how easy this is for me. None of these girls are a challenge their all the same. Eventually, when you play the same game over and over you can predict the outcome I'm so tired of knowing the outcome.

With Olivia there is a million different outcomes and I'm never failed to be surprised by them. We didn't get expelled but...but my sister did. I don't know how Olivia's going to take the news but that's the only excuse I have to talk to her so I'm using it and making sure she finds out from me first.  I walk away from the girl who's wiping her mouth smiling at me and I groan at how stupid all of this is becoming.

I'm finding Olivia and I this time I'm going to make sure she knows who she belongs to.
And
How
I hate how hard it is to keep hating her.