Loving the Enemy

Kyle-23

Dear no one,
I really don't know if I'm ever going to get better or not but, if I don't, I just want everyone to know I didn't crave the need for destruction, it just came naturally to me.

I use to think my mom was like some kind of superhero. When she was gone for days out of the week, probably going to get high somewhere in a dark fucking ally, me and my sister would always be so happy when she'd get back, because at the time our naive asses had actually believed she was out saving the world from danger like she'd tell us.

The scary part is I no longer know if all the memories of my mother were simply one of her being on drugs or was she ever there soberly. I don't remember. Her voice is slowly fading away from my mind and I'm afraid that one day I'm just going to wake up and the memory of her will be completely gone. She said she was saving the world when in reality she was just out ruining hers, and I watched her. I always just watched her.

I'm afraid that I've got more of my mother's traits than I actually like to believe.
And I'm afraid that I'll end up like her, just worse, dead.

Not that death really scares me. Everyone has to die.

I guess.

My mom wasn't a superhero but sometimes she would try to fly.
The thing is even though I was young as hell I knew even then, humans weren't meant to fly. She was standing on top of the roof of our house and dad had left with Madeline a few hours prior, he knew mom was getting worse and thought it be best if he and Madeline left for a little while, I never understood then why he never took me with them. I guess even then when the truth about my mother wasn't even clear, he still didn't care about me enough to get me far away from my mother. I remember trying to catch her, I must have been four almost five. It's crazy how the worst experiences in your life are always the ones the most vivid.

The neighbors had run out their home and they were calling the police but they didn't get there in time she jumped and fell off of our two-story house roof almost killing herself luckily she landed in bushes and only suffered a concussion and a few minor injuries I, however, was in the way and she landed on my arms, breaking it.

My bones ache in my arm recalling it. I miss her......

I think the reason I hate Olivia so much apart from the part that her existence is ruining my life is that she had the privilege to live a normal life with a normal mom and I got the shit end of the deal.
     I wonder what my mother would think about me ....falling in love...with Olivia.
Would she hate me more than I hate myself?

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