Pairing: Eren x Armin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: To summarise this, just listen "Asleep" by The Smiths. CW: suicide.
》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》》
Eren's POV:
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
Thoughts and memories spin through my head as I lock the door. I'm trying to focus and I can't. I just want one. I want one person and nothing else. I want him to fill my mind so I can think of nothing else. The people swirl through my mind until I find him. I need him. And then... There he is, everything of him -- of us -- as fresh in my mind as if all of it were moments ago. Armin.
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
I think of him. I think of what I did just before coming in here. I think of the softness of his lips as I kissed them, the way he almost immediately grabbed me and held me, held me like I was the world to him. Maybe I was his world, but with one look into his eyes, you could easily see that his mind held galaxies.
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cos I will be gone
I think of the sound of Armin's voice. I need that right now. I desperately need it. I think of his face when I said, "I love you." I think of the sound of his voice as he said, "I love you, too." I need that moment. I have to hold on to that, to him actually loving me. I have to remember that before he reads my note and stops loving me.
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
That deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
My note was very simple. It read:
I'm sorry. I really am. But I made a promise. Every last one, remember? Well, I'm the last one now, so where does that leave us? I just need one thing to be clear: Armin, I am in love with you. I am in love with you and this is a bit of a last resort in case I don't have the guts to tell you before I go. Regardless, the time I give you this note will be the last time you see me alive. I'm sorry, but it has to be done. Goodbye.
Sing me to sleep
SIng me to sleep
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore
I empty half of a bottle of pain pills into my hand. I grab the glass of water sat on the table and take them all. This is only part of my plan. I want this all to be as painless as possible.
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore
I hear banging on the door. Then voices. First Mikasa, then Armin. Both of them scream my name. They sound so desperate. They've read the note. The way Armin sounds, like he's about to break down worse than anything he's ever done before, leaves me shaking. I can't help but think of how I've hurt him. It's for the best, I think as I load the gun.
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
That deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
He screams louder and he is begging. Please, Eren, please! I find myself sobbing. I can't help it. I love him, yet I am hurting him. But I have to do this. I'm the last one.
There is another world
The pills have made my mind sluggish. Everything moves so slowly now, and I know it is now or never.
There is a better world
I hold the gun to my head.
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
I find that my mind is like a broken record, stuck on that line. I can't pull the trigger like that. My vision starts to blur and the voices sound as if they are coming from underwater. I have to do this soon.
Bye
Bye
Bye
Goodbye, Armin, I think. I will always love you. I pull the trigger.
Bye
***
Armin's POV:
You could've heard that gunshot all the way around the world. It feels like you could also hear my world shatter. No, world isn't the right word for it... Galaxy doesn't seem big enough either. Even universe doesn't seem to be large enough.
That gunshot took Eren. It took me, too. My body is still here, maybe even a bit of my mind. All my heart, soul and spirit, though, has gone wherever that bullet took Eren.
I am screaming. It is no longer his name, no longer begging or pleading. It is just sound. It is pain, sadness, love, grief, anger and uselessness all rolled into one. It hurts to scream this much, but I need to.
Why couldn't I go with Eren? Did he not love me enough? Did I not love him enough? Did he think I didn't love him at all? Maybe he thought it wouldn't hurt me. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe no one does.
And that is what fully breaks me. I can't go with him. I'll never kiss him or hug him or hold him again. I'll never get the chance to really show him how much I love him. I hope he feels it, wherever he is.
I am dimly aware of Mikasa dragging me away. I have stopped screaming and am simply deadweight now; silent, numb, broken. I am already dead.
I believe she is talking to Captain Levi. I do not look up. Their voices sound like a muffled recording. I don't know what they are saying, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. I am already dead.
I am lifted. I barely feel them carry me. I am laid on a bed, but I don't feel that, either. Everything is cold and numb. I feel the enticing darkness of sleep hanging over me, and graciously give in. Maybe I will never wake up again. Maybe I, like Eren, am already dead.
I dream of nothing and hope to join Eren. I hope that if I do, he'll hold me and kiss me again. I hope he'll say he loves me. But my mind still returns to one thing: You said you'd take out every last Titan, Eren. And you did. Every last one.
