Upside Down [mxm] [editing]

Chapter 5

For all the different ways Alex had imagined his reunion with Julian over the past decade, none of them had ever been anywhere close to where the reality of it was.  Sure, he had figured that Julian would find someone, and since 2011 and the legalization that swept the nation - something Alex was very happy for, he knew that Julian was probably married. Julian had always wanted a family, and he'd been a staunch supporter of gay rights from the very beginning.  Not that Alex wasn't, he wanted that far-catcher dream of an equal world just as much as Julian did.  Alex just felt he had always been so much more realistic about the truth of how the real world worked. And while he had appreciated Julian's take on it being their duty to show the world that they weren't perverted monsters or fairy-fems (not that there was anything wrong if that's who you were in Alex's book) it had never been part of Alex's life long career goals.  No for him it was more important to be the one in control, to pull the strings and hold the line from the inside.  It wasn't anyone's business who he took to bed at night and while it shouldn't affect his career, Alex had never wanted to be made into the token Gay Politician.  If he'd needed to be categorized as something, he'd rather it be the Great One.  Or, the one with Great Hair.

So he knew they'd be in different places when they crossed paths again.  When because it had never been an if in Alex's mind.  Unless, potentially, one of them had moved out of the city, but he knew the likelihood of that was quite low.  Those different places, though, weren't expected to be as extreme as they were.   And the feelings that had resurfaced weren't meant to be so strong.  It had been ten years after all.  There was no sense in the feeling that they could easily pick things back up right where they'd left off.

At least if the whole marriage thing didn't seem to be such an issue.

It was Alex who had the issue, too, and that was putting him out even more.  Shouldn't Julian be the one warring with the fact that he had a husband at home and children?  Despite the fact that Alex had been with several married men and never cared one way or another, somehow this was so different.  It was wrong, and not in the fun let's be so wrong it might be right kind of way.  Just wrong.  Wrong because people were going to get hurt, going to have regret, going to ruin their lives. 

For once it wasn't even the danger to his career that was forefront.  Yes, it still played into whatever sort of balance Alex was trying to make in his head, but in the end, it was Julian he was worried about.  Alex hadn't been joking when he'd mentioned the expense of therapy to get over Julian and the pain that had followed after his leaving.  It had taken Alex years and a lot of work to figure out the why's behind the way their relationship crumbled. Now, all these years later, it was just repeating the same old, same old.  Julian was picturing things the way he wanted them, not the way they were.  In the end, because of it, Julian would be the one with the broken home and heart. 

Which was why Alex had decided that they didn't need to talk anymore. Seeing Julian had been dangerous, his fingers had itched to touch him.  But talking to him was just as bad if not worse.   At least in public, there were rules that had to be obeyed.  On the phone late at night, alone in his bed, it was all too easy to allow things to progress past the point they should.

There'd been no confrontation, Julian might have fought it and if he had Alex would have just given in like wet cardboard.  No, Alex had just been an asshole and ghosted him, spending the next couple weeks in the arms of his not-quite friend with loads of benefits in order to distract himself. It had worked, too. The first week Julian had sent texts and left voicemails, but after a few gut-wrenching days, they slowed down, slower and slower until there was nothing at all.  It was obvious Julian was angry and hurt, emotions Alex totally understood, but it was for the best. There was no world in which they could ever be together.