Upside Down [mxm] [editing]

Chapter 8

For the last two months they'd been seeing each other on a regular basis.  It was hardly old times, but it was close enough that Alex found immense pleasure and happiness in their arrangement.  Not that he knew what that arrangement was.  They'd never bothered to discuss it.  Julian had simply showed up that one night and had been showing up a few nights a week since.  Sometimes he would sleep over, sometimes they'd have sex, sometimes it would just be dinner and streaming a movie or the two of them bitching about work.  Those were Alex's favorite kind of nights.  The sex was great, and sleeping beside Julian left Alex with a bone-deep sort of relaxation that was incapable of being replicated.  But there was just something about having your person to talk to.  The one person in the universe who understood you on a level no other ever could.  

This night was one of those nights.  Alex was stretched out across the length of his couch with his head resting in Julian's lap.  Julian, for his part, was watching some sport-ball thing on the television, alternating between drinking the craft beer Alex was trying to convince him to like (instead of that distasteful beverage MGD) and running his fingers through Alex's hair.  This had been their tried and true method to handling sport-ball. Alex has been well versed in it thanks to his father, and cheered for the Rangers, the Yankees, and the Giants in that order.  But being well versed and liking something were two totally different things.  Julian loved sports (thankfully the same teams - no need for additional rivalry in the home) and while Alex was generally bored to tears whenever they were on, he could handle it as long as he was being petted. As tended to the norm, so long as Alex was getting attention he was fine.

However, it was this predilection for attention which also tended to land him in trouble or needlessly complicate things.  Alex had been dozing there in his blissful state, before his phone began to buzz on the coffee table.   "Who's it?" He mumbled groggily, not even bothering to open his eyes.  He knew that Julian would lean forward dutifully and check it for him, letting him know if it was from work.

Sure enough that was what Julian did.  "Some guy named Sebastian?  He sent you a reminder about a meeting you have tonight at nine?"  Eyebrow cocked upward in question, Julian handed the phone over before sitting back against the couch, gaze still fixed questioningly on Alex.

"What?"  Alex looked at him upside down, trying to figure out  where that look was coming from. "You said you couldn't stay tonight." 

"I can't, but a meeting at nine?  Really?"   Julian took a sip from his beer but the game had lost all interest for him.  "Just who is Sebastian anyways."

"He's my PA."  Righting himself, Alex moved to sit beside Julian rather than on top of him. "He's also the guy I've been sleeping with for the past three years, and he's coming over tonight."  His tone was matter of fact, and his gaze was no nonsense.  There was nothing shameful to Alex about his relationship - if that was what you wanted to call it - with Sebastian.

"You're screwing your PA?"  Alex could understand being shocked at the news, but Julian looked mighty irritated. 

Alex sighed.  "We met when he did some work at my old firm right out of school.  I've worked with him for almost eight years.  He worked on the campaign and this was the job he wanted in return."  Pausing for a moment he replied to Sebastian's text and then turned his attention back to Julian.  "We're not dating, we just have an arrangement.  One he instigated.  One which I have locked down with about a hundred pages of NDAs." 

"So your PA is the guy you had over back when we started talking again?"  That irritation Julian had shown  was beginning to transform into actual anger. "The guy that you're sleeping with."

"Yeah.  I generally stick to one partner at a time."  Alex was losing patience himself. "I'm sorry I'm confused, why are you upset by this?" 

"Why am I upset?"  Julian scoffed.  "You're just nonchalantly filing me in on the fact that someone's coming over to have sex with you in that bed later tonight."

"I mean, or the couch."  It wasn't a time to be funny, but Alex couldn't help himself.  After all this whole conversation was ridiculous to him.

"Alexander!"  The vein over Julian's temple was bulging.

"Okay. Maybe both."  Alex grinned widely, then, but Julian missed it, popping up from the couch as he did and storming into the kitchen.

"I can't believe you."  Julian's voice echoed the incredulity he obviously felt.

"Me?"  Alex rolled his eyes.  "You're acting like this is some big surprise but you're the one who is literally married to another man.  Another man who thinks that gee his husband sure has had to work a lot lately.  You go home to him, you go to bed with him, and now just because I won't give up something that was working for me before you trapsed back into my life you lose your shit."

It was remarkable the way that Julian practically deflated as those words were spoken.   Like a fairground bounce house that had just been unplugged. Even from across the room Alex could see the fall of his shoulders and the drop of his head. 

"How do you think I feel every night?"  While it had been comfortable to ignore the ramifications, Alex was beginning to think they should have set up ground rules and expectations earlier.  "You were the first man I'd ever taken to bed.  I was happy to have you be the only man.  Because of that it took me years to feel safe enough to be with anyone else.  I was miserable and I don't want to go back to that when you wake up from whatever fantasy you're living out."

Grabbing a new beer bottle out of the fridge, Julian turned to lean against the counter, fixing his gaze on Alex.  "That's not how it is."  He said simply, opening the bottle with a hiss of released CO2 against the edge of polished granite.

"So you're not having sex with Dick."   Normally this would have drawn boyish laughter from Alex.  Even five minutes ago.  But the jokes weren't cracking anymore.  Now Alex was extremely serious. 

"Sex is just sex."  Julian said in defense.  "It's just part of the routine."

"That's exactly how it is with Seb."   Alex may have used the diminutive as a dig to further cause pain to Julian.  "Just routine."

"But I don't like it."   Alex pouted all the time.  His tended to  involve over the top lip-juts and an underlying playfulness.  Julian pouted like some sort of broken toy, and at the look of hurt on his face, Alex felt his heart wrench.

"I can't stand the fact you go home to Dick."  Alex countered.    "I told you two months ago I wouldn't be your affair and here I am.   I deserve more than that, Jules." 

"I know."  Sighing Julian and scrubbing his hands over his face.  "But there's so much to it. And I have to do it all carefully so no one ends up knowing it's you."  

That made warmth spread throughout Alex. In all the time they'd known one another that was the first moment Julian had ever shown any sort of respect for Alex's choice to remain closeted.  "Fine."  Huffing out a breath, Alex flopped back down to lay across the couch as his thumbs rapidly tapped out a message on his phone.  "There, no Sebastian.  Are you happy?" 

"Yes."  Julian responded softly. "Very."  He took a pull from the beer bottle in his hand.  "I could try and stay tonight if you wanted."

Alex laughed bitterly. "No.  Go home.  Sleep with your husband.  Tuck your kids into bed.  I'll just be here, trying not to think about it." 

"Alex."  Julian cooed, moving to perch on the edge of the couch near him.  "You know I love you."

"Yeah.   I do."   Because if love wasn't there Alex wouldn't have put up with it.  "But this has got to get sorted, soon Julian. I can't live like this, I won't."