Upside Down [mxm] [editing]

Chapter 12

That feeling like he was going to throw up?  It hadn't gotten any better.  Alex had never been an overly emotional person, but that whole scene had unfolded in a way which made him feel unbearably vulnerable and wounded.  Being left by Julian had been one thing, but having to witness him with another man had been another. 

It wasn't as though Alex had been unaware this whole time of the relationship of, well, Julian's relationship with his husband. But seeing it right before his face, seeing the love and affection between both Julian and Dick, it changed things. It broke something.  It solidified that gut wrenching realization that what Julian and he had been doing was wrong.

But it didn't stop Alex from waiting down on the street in the town car.  Certainly Julian would come rushing after him.  Certainly, any moment, he would burst out the door and apologize all while professing his love and that he would make it all better. That would be stupid, of course, and totally blow any chance Alex had of controlling how and when he was going to come out.  Wounded and whimpering as Alex was, though, tucked into the backseat of a luxury sedan, that instant comfort was all he wanted. 

It didn't come.

Neither did a text message.  Or a phone call. The day moved on, meetings went by and nothing of any sort came from Julian.  Alex knew he could call, or text, and start with "What the fuck?!" In big bold letters or shouting tones.   But that wouldn't help anything, it wouldn't fix anything, it certainly wouldn't make Alex feel better.

Hours passed, dinner came and went, midnight approached and Alex lay amid his sheets, gaze fixed as firmly on his ceiling as his fingers were buried in his curls.  What was he going to do?  How could they continue like this?  Did he want to? 

The knock was soft, tentative, nothing like the first night that Julian had come over and swept Alex into bed.  At first Alex thought he may have imagined it, but then it came again, a little more insistent before Julian's voice followed.

"Alex.  Please."  He pleaded through the mix of metal and wood.

They both knew that he would answer the door, but what happened after was anyone's guess.  Bare-chested, bare footed, with just a pair of long lounge pants slung low on his hips, Alex made his way across the apartment, slow steps moving him across the space. 

"You can't come in."   Unlike last time there was nothing playful or tipsy in those words.  Alex was somber and serious, arms crossing his chest as he leaned against the frame.

"We need to talk."  Julian insisted, distress evident in his crumpled features and dripping from his words.

"What do you want to talk about?  Your husband?  Your children?  Or maybe the mockery you're making of me?"  As he said those words Alex realized that was a large part of what was bothering him so much.  "You think," his voice dropped to an angry whisper, "that just because I'm not out you can treat me like this?" 

"It isn't like that Alex."  Julian moved to step forward but hesitated.  "Please let me in.   I can't talk to you about this in the hall, you know that."

"I know you love him."  Alex hadn't intended to say that, but as soon as it was said he realized it was true, and that it was that truth that was hurting him so much.

Julian, for his part, just remained silent.  Shrugging his shoulders he took a shaky breath.  "Dick and I have been together a long time."

"So why are you here?"  Alex's tone was moving away from his broken heart and hurtling towards anger.

"Because I love you, too."  It was then that Julian made the mistake of reaching for Alex.

Alex, you see, was in no mood to be touched.  Turning away from Julian (and the door frame) Alex turned sharp on his heel and stormed into his kitchen.  The door was left unlocked and unslammed, meaning Julian could follow if he wished to. 

Whether or not it was something he wished for, Julian did trail sheepish and silent in Alex's wake, closing and latching the door behind them. 

"I don't want to see you anymore."  Standing in the kitchen, Alex had taken out the whiskey and was pouring two glasses, sliding one along the counter towards Julian before taking a drink of his own.

"Don't you think that's a little harsh?"   Julian's fingers tap-tapped along the glass.

"No."  Alex shook his head, drained his glass, and then filled it again.  "I think it's almost been a year since we crossed paths.  I think that you're never going to leave Dick, and that's okay.  That's your choice."   Hunched over the counter, gaze fixed on his drink, Alex couldn't bear to face Julian.  "But it's my choice not to live like this.  Just because I decided to keep my sexuality private doesn't mean I want to share you. Or be your side piece. Or whatever."

"Alex."  Julian was using his calm voice and in that moment Alex hated him.

"Have you talked to him about us?  Have you worked out how you were going to?  Anything.  Anything at all?"  Somehow Alex managed to keep the desperation from his voice.

"It isn't that easy.  With the girls.  With you. I mean there's just so much..."

Alex cut Julian off.  "That's a no, Jules." 

"Well it's not like you rushed home and found a firm to handle everything."  Julian snapped back.

Except he had.   While they'd been missing  one another over the last couple weeks, Alex had kept up on his vacation proclamation. He'd narrowed the field of firms from five to two, and was in the last stage of interviews.  One of them had a wonderful plan for spinning all of it into a way to support civil rights.  Alex would have shared that information with Julian, but they'd been busy, and Alex hadn't wanted to bother him. 

And still, it wasn't information Alex felt like sharing that night. "I guess I didn't."  Was his only reply. 

"So let's start over."  Julian stepped towards Alex once more, but the blonde backed away. 

"You gotta go."  Alex swallowed nervously.  "I know you love me, and I know you're not doing any of this on purpose.  But I'm making the choice for us.  You gotta go.  We can't do this anymore."

"Please?"  Julian's voice was barely a whisper. 

"I love you."   It was Alex's turn to close the space between them as he swooped in for a quick kiss, lingering only a moment before he was guiding Julian to the door.  "Go home.  Be happy." 

Taking in a ragged breath, Julian stepped into the hall.  "I'm sorry." 

Alex nodded, and then stepped back to close the door. "I know."