IM SO SORRY I LOVE YALL AND I AM NOT IN FACT DEAD.
Ok so basically the reason for my hiatus is that I had a ~toxic ass bf~ but I dumped his ass and to make up for it here's a Perry the platypus x doofenshmirtz one shot bc I want everyone to suffer like I did while writing this <3
Perry da platypus x doof fanfic p. 1: one shot lemon
Perry's silky teal fur ruffled under the crooked geriatric fingers of his evil sugar daddy mastermind: Daddyshmirtz.
"Are you ready...for my death laser?" He muttered seductively into the platypus' shallow ear hole.
Perry chattered his block of teeth; whether it was from nervousness or pure, uncontrollable lust he did not know.
He ran his human skin hands up the side of Perry's hotdog-shaped body, up to the top of his perfectly spherical head...where he gently pulled the fedora off in one seductive swipe. Perry looked away nervously, his fur cheeks blushing a furious red.
Doof turned his face towards him, staring deep into his poop colored eyes, "Hey. You're beautiful. With the fedora...and without." His glistening orbs of eyeball glanced down at the platypus' mango shaded beak, a perfectly smooth surface for him to perform...evil on. He grazed it with his thumb and his moist little eyeball orbs widened in shocking astonishment surprise - his beak was hard.
"Do you want this as much as i do?" His crackly Drusselsteinian accent turned the aquatic mammal on in ways he couldn't describe. He just wanted to grab the older man's cheeto shaped head and-
No. He couldn't - they were sworn enemies. But the pure, animal attraction was too much to refuse.
Staring deeply into the pet's eyes, Doof slowly let his pristine white lab coat drop to the ground; a lab coat as pristine as his virginity, as unbroken as his pure Christian soul. The same Christian soul that forbade the union he was about to form. He pushed his doubts to the back of his oblong mind and let himself drown in the beauty that was the blue beast before him.
His nonexistent lips crashed into Perry's seemingly plastic beak, his prominent chin caressing the shorter mammal's neck. The platypus chattered, "-- --- .- -.".
The pair fell to the ground, hands frantically roaming each other's unfamiliar bodies. They broke their passionate embrace and Doof gazed down at the hatless being beneath him and felt a rush of warmth fill his body. Is this...what love feels like?
Perry was clearly upset with their current position and employed his sexy agent skills to deftly flipp the two over, straddling the homo sapien's bony chest.
"You know," The scientist croaked, "I always wanted to dominate the Tri-State area...but I never thought the tri-state area would be dominating me."
"You can touch my Tri-State area ;)." Perry replied
"How did you just say ;) out loud-" Doof questioned but he was stifled with another beak engulfing kiss.
~~~ hope you enjoyed that, now on to the real story~~
RIDDLE'S POV
I moved towards the group of imbecile dumbfuck dick-for-brains men that had catcalled Y/N. Sure, she was a bitch but she was...tolerable.
The torches in the Great Hall flickered and dimmed as the roar of noise fell to a hush. The group of idiots finally recognized the peril they were in as I paced towards them slowly, and they had the courtesy to look scared shitless.
"H-hey, it was just a joke man!" Idiot #1 said nervously. I could taste their fear - it was...delicious.
"It was funny." I said with a straight face.
"R-really?" Idiot #2 chimed in with a foolish half smile creeping up on his face.
"Yes. So funny, in fact that I'm offended you're not all laughing." I watched them glance at one another, trying to discern whether or not they were about to be viciously murdered.
They started to chuckle nervously, my face not moving a muscle.
"That doesn't seem like the kind of laughter that such a funny joke deserves. Go on, LAUGH." I snarled as I whipped out my wand. "Rictusorpa."
They started roaring in laughter, their eyes wide in fear as they felt their willpower slip away. I smiled to myself - I'd modified this spell from the tickling charm: Rictumsempra. The only difference is that rather than being tickled, they were physically unable to stop the air from being pushed out of their lungs.
You know when you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts? Imagine that, but multiplied tenfold.
"What is going on here?" Professor McGonagall strode in with her usual disapproving expression. I quickly waved my wand and the laughter stopped abruptly, the boys too busy gasping for breath to answer.
I plastered on a charming smile, "I was just joking around with some of my classmates, Professor. Isn't that right lads?" They nodded frantically.
McGonagall's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but she nodded curtly and left.
An empty silence filled the hall and I basked in the fear hanging in the air.
"Resume your conversations, everyone." I smiled coldly and left the hall with a sweep of my cloak.
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Y/N's POV
I sat in the common room reading a parchment scroll and looked up to see Riddle stride past.
"It's been taken care of." He said while passing.
"What? What's been taken care of." I asked nervously.
"It."
"Riddle, what did you DO?" I yelled after him to no response. I rubbed my temples in frustration - this boy would be the death of me. I felt like I was babysitting an unruly child that threw temper tantrums every 5 minutes.
I was, however, starting to warm up to him slightly. He seemed like the type of person I could be friends with if he wasn't a serial killer. I sighed and returned to my studies.
Several hours later, I was awoken from where I'd fallen asleep on the couch (oops) with a sharp smack to the top of my head. I groaned and rubbed my aching skull, glaring at the emo boy supreme himself.
"Did you just slap my head?" I said indignantly.
"Obviously." He replied calmly.
"You couldn't have just shaken me like a normal person?" I rubbed my bleary eyes.
He shrugged, "This way is more fun."
"You're an idiot." I declared, sticking my tongue out at him.
"Shut up ugly, we're late." He said impatiently as I got to my feet.
"Late for what? I hate surprise social interactions, I need at least a solid 3 hours of mental preparation before having to interact with people."
"For the party, stupid."
YOU ARE READING
The Summer I Turned Hot (Hogwarts boys x Reader)
FanfictionY/N was the kind of girl that everyone knew, but no one paid attention to; she had plenty of acquaintances, but no close friends. She was the very definition of a wallflower. The summer before her 5th year at Hogwarts, all of that changes... (Might...
