The Lies We Tell

Chapter 5

I have many secrets, and one is that I've never kissed anyone. There's not much time to think about that when you're  focused on passing AP classes and managing a Wattpad career and a YouTube career.

When Ryan was leaning in to kiss me, I was scared and excited. My first kiss. Here and now. I'd always wondered when it would happen. My heart was beating so fast and there was something else there, something I'd kept telling myself wasn't. Then there was the fact I wanted to kiss him. That desire was pulling me closer to him.

Still, right before his lips touched mine, I stepped back. He froze when he realized I wasn't there and opened his eyes. This wasn't right. No matter how I looked at it, this wasn't right. It wouldn't have been okay. For the first time since I started high school, I couldn't find it in me to say it was okay. I don't know what was different than any other time, but something was.

I stood there, rubbing my arm and trying not to look at him, and felt the awkwardness wind its way through the silence. Finally, he rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "I, um, I should probably go," he said, glancing at me.

My first instinct was to tell him it was okay, but I couldn't bring myself to lie. "Ya. You should." I suppressed a shudder at some unpleasant memories that wanted to surface. I shoved those down, too. When he all but ran from the room, I wanted to run after him. Yet, I made myself stay. I heard the front door shut and I sat in my desk chair.

Now that I was home alone, the silence came at me. All I could do was think about Dad and this day. Putting him in the ground. He was never coming home again.

I blinked back tears and looked at my camera. It was sitting on my tripod, waiting for me to start filming with it. On a whim, I turned it on and started recording.

"Hey, guys." I smiled a little at the camera. "Today was my Dad's funeral. It's been hard, but I want to tell you some about him." I told a couple of stories from my childhood, a few from after I was a teenager, and a couple of more recent ones. Finally, I finished with this: "One thing you may not know is that for the last year or so my parents have been having problems. So after all of these good memories, the last several are mostly of voices down the hallway that I don't want to hear. There were nights I would lie awake, not able to sleep because I heard a door slam or there was silence. Yes, silence. The silence was always the worst part. Every silence I heard meant that one of them wasn't home, that they were somewhere else, or something went completely wrong and they weren't talking to each other. So when I went to the funeral today, it hit me that the silence is going to be around all the time. I don't know how I'll deal with the silence, but I'm going to. I have to. There's no choice. That's all I really have to say for now. So, until next time."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek like I felt more than once during the video. I couldn't even do my regular end screen. I simply stood and turned the camera off.

After washing my face, I moved the video onto my computer and edited the beginning and end. I had no intention of posting it, so I wasn't quite sure why I was doing it other than I felt like I had to. By the time my room began to grow dark, I had uploaded it as a private video on my channel. One day, I would probably make it public. But that day wasn't today.

I stood and stretched, wondering if my mother had made it home yet. I'd been so into editing and filming it occurred me that i had no idea.

"Mom?" I called, walking to her bedroom. The door was cracked so I pushed it open a little. Empty. I called for her again as I walked into the kitchen. Nothing. I walked into the living room and peeked out the window. Her car was still gone.

The house was eerily quiet. Even with Dad gone, I could still hear Mom doing something, even if it was only turning over in bed. But this was the sound of being truly alone. I could barely take it. Especially now that Ryan was gone. I couldn't bear to lose my other parent. I didn't want to be alone. Even if I was 17.

I sat on the couch where I could see the drive. I texted my mom, called her, all with no answer. I was worried. Eventually, I turned the TV on and listened to whatever was playing. It only took a few minutes for me to turn it back off. The noise was overwhelming. Where was she? I stared at the black screen. I'd decided to take the entire week off, so there was nothing pressing I had to do. Not that I'd be able to do it, anyway.

By the time darkness had fully settled, it was about eight. There was still no sign of my mother. I turned on the lights in the living room and waited where I could see the drive. I was really and truly worried by this point. Where was she? I tried calling her again. She didn't answer. I texted, but she didn't reply. I hugged my knees and waited.

Ten rolled around and I wondered if maybe she was looking for me. I got up and turned on all the lights and the porch light. I sat on the sofa again and tried to call again, this time leaving a voicemail. I wondered if she was at a friend's house, or if maybe she had left her phone behind somewhere.

By eleven, I was beginning to cry. I was legitimately afraid something had happened to her. All I wanted was for her to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me things would be okay. I wanted her so bad and I felt stupid for it.

I don't know how long I sat there crying, but the next thing I knew I woke up to a darkened house and sounds coming from Mom's bedroom. I checked my phone. 3 AM. A peek out the window showed me she was back. When I listened closer, I realized the sounds were actually sobs. I slid down on the sofa so I was lying down and curled into as tight of a ball as I could, wishing it could be silent again.

---

My eyes snapped open the next morning. I didn't have school, so what woke me up? I knew it wasn't my alarm. I rolled over and pressed my face into the back of the couch.

The buzzing sound kept it up until I heard my phone hit the floor.

With a groan, I rolled over and picked it up. I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't what I found. Over a hundred notifications on YouTube, several texts from my friends, and my Twitter had gone crazy. I hadn't posted anything besides my stream, but that wouldn't have gotten this much attention. I mean, they never do. 

I sat straight up as I saw the beginning of a comment on my video. "Nononono," I chanted to myself as I opened YouTube and saw the video I had uploaded as private the night before. There was no mistaking it - my video was now public.