The Lies We Tell

Chapter 10

I took a deep breath. I barely made it to my car because I was shaking so bad. I stood up to Courtney, but she'd unnerved me. She had Jared there. She had to know we had a history. I'd be surprised if Miranda and them didn't know. I hadn't seen him face to face like that in a while. All of the feelings I had repressed came back with force. The difference between now and when it all happened is that the edges seemed to have worn down enough that it wasn't ripping me apart.

Even now, sitting alone in my car, I could hear his voice above the radio. Instead of the vents, I could feel his breaths on my ears and neck. My air freshener couldn't cover his smell. Everything I felt or heard or smelled back then was as clear as any of these things around me now. I wanted these memories to be gone. I wanted to move on. I wanted to forget.

Life had other ideas, apparently.

Those first few months after everything happened, I couldn't tell anyone. I felt stupid and like it was all my fault. After all, I should have seen where things were going and cut it off. Or I should have made it all stop sooner. Even once I did put a stop to it all, I relived everything every day. It was a movie playing constantly in my head.

To try to escape it, I threw myself into writing and making YouTube videos. I couldn't focus on anything else. My grades took a dip. Every moment I was home was spent with my laptop, either watching or reading something when I wasn't working on a video or story. That's how I got to where I am now.

Intentional or not, he changed me. I love what I do, but I hate how I got started. I wanted to go back and change everything. I wanted to go back and tell myself things would be okay. No one ever told me that because I never told anyone, but I wanted them to. I wanted someone to pat me on the back while I cried, telling me it wasn't my fault and that things would be okay.

But instead, all I got was solitude in my car while the radio blasted some top 40 song I probably knew as I relived my past yet again. I was okay. I was.

After a few deep breaths, I forced myself to grab the steering wheel. I could do this.

---

It took a couple of days, but eventually Ryan stopped visiting my table of solitude when I refused to acknowledge him. The weekend came and went. I tried to be productive, but I couldn't. I barely manged to finish my video and story chapter, but they got less traffic than normal.

At school, no one talked to me. Maybe it was partially people avoiding me, partially self-exile. All I knew was that my mind was everywhere at once. I could barely concentrate enough in class to take notes. At this rate, I was going to lose my spot as valedictorian.

What made it all worse was that I knew it was all my fault.

If I had turned down Ryan's ride offer. If I hadn't uploaded that video. If I hadn't mouthed off to Courtney. If I had done everything right, then everything would be fine. It would all be okay.

I was worn out. No one texted me. No one came to visit me. Everything felt like it was frozen. Like if I hit a play button things would go back to the way they were.

Monday rolled around and I got an extra ten minutes of sleep. Mary would pick up Riley like she'd been doing since that day at lunch. I went to school and sat through my classes, barely hearing anything. I only had to dodge Courtney once, which was a relief. But the thing that hurt the most happened on Wednesday.

It started off pretty good. I somehow ended up trending on YouTube and my subscriber count grew. People began watching more videos and commenting. I had no idea what I did, but I was glad something good was finally happening. I felt like maybe things would start to finally get a little better.

That day, leaving school, I found Miranda and her friends waiting for me at my car. "Hey, guys," I said when I reached them. "Everything okay?" It was rare to see them leave their favorite spot under the bleachers after school.

Miranda crossed her arms and leaned on my car. "Um, just so you know, Courtney figured out who told you about Goodwill." I felt my heart sink. "That's why we need to talk to you. Courtney and Lexi won't leave us alone. We think that maybe if you stop hanging out with us after school that they might leave us alone. Just until you guys settle things, okay? We want you to come back after that, okay?"

"What?"

She sighed. "Evie, we really like you. It's just for now, okay?"

I looked at the four of them. They weren't looking at me. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I turned. Tears were already beginning to well up. "Okay, then," I said as I opened my door.

Miranda grabbed my arm gently. "There's one thing I have to tell you before you leave." I froze. "Ryan didn't lie to you. Courtney feels like they're equals and that why she wants to claim him, but they're not together. If you still want him, go for it."

I nodded as I got in my car. Once they were gone, I let the tears I'd been holding back fall. They were leaving me, too. But at least I got one piece of good news out of it.