Letters from a Friend

You are not alone in this

I know that it's easy to forget that there are other people in the world who experience similar if not the same things as you. It is very easy to think that there is something wrong with you and that no one can relate. This post is going to talk about a lot of my experiences, some paragraphs will have trigger warnings and some of them will be very brief , depending on the context which is in them. Though I will put the advice and what I have learnt due to the experiences in separate paragraphs so that you don't need to read anything too detailed.

To start off I'm going to talk about something very simple and relatable. Examination and school stress in particular is something that I struggled with. Though this can be developed into feeling like anything you do is not good enough. I don't have a lot of detail to go into when it comes to this worry of mine, I learnt pretty quickly that I didn't really mind other's expectations of me because they were either too low or they were too high. People always underestimated me so I often surprised people, I'm not sure if this is because of how unconfident I seem to be in myself or if people just genuinely believe that I can't reach expectations but The only person's expectations I should care about Is my own. I need to set my own goals and aims because I am the only one who knows how good I am and what I can do to push myself. Of course it is nice to impress people and to live up to expectations but in the end it is you who matters, as long as you are truly satisfied with yourself in the end.

The next paragraph has a lot of in-depth discussion about panic attacks, please don't' read if it'll make you feel uncomfortable

Well....panic...I hate it. I'm going to get the in-depth details out of the way. I believe I was eighteen or nineteen when I had my first proper panic attack. It was a Saturday at around one'o'clock , my dad was doing the dishes and I was about to go and do the dinner. We were having mix-up for dinner and mam was at the bingo. I was wearing long sleeved Christmas pyjamas and ravenclaw socks. My mother and I were supposed to go to a concert that night and it was very unexpected. I didn't know the band and my anxiety was pretty bad at the time. I started to feel dizzy as I was doing the dinner and so I went to lay down in the passage . then my dad said 'don't be stupid, if it's bad go and get dressed and we can go to the doctors' and so I started to go upstairs because I would have gotten dressed and went to the doctors. Though once I started to do so he stopped me asking if I was serious. I stopped in the middle of the stairs and my vision started to go black and white. I started to see stars and lose the feelings in my hands. My dad told me to go downstairs but I wouldn't , therefore he helped me upstairs and let me lay down on the bed. He phoned the ambulance and let me talk to the lady. It took me about half an hour to calm down from that. Since then this has happened another three times .

From this I have learnt to take breaths. I have learnt to know and understand what's safe. I have my own safe spaces such as my bedroom -I am working on making myself my own safe space so that I can focus on my breath and calm myself down without the environment needing to have changed- I know that being outside helps, being able to have fresh air and a breeze on my face. My crystals and mindfulness helps to calm me down as I can relax and focus. Due to the initial panic attack being caused by dizziness, I am most comfortable in environments that means that I could lay down or place my head on something just in case. Focusing my attention on the softness of my pompom keyrings or the smoothness of my crystals helps me immensely as I am no longer focused on the thoughts which worried me. I try to carry some chocolate or a snack with me and some water wherever I go. Sweets have helped me before when I have gotten panicked from needing to go up an escalator -can't blame me! I fell down one once! Blame mam for being scared of lifts!- the sensation and the act of drinking water is really helpful as you could be mindful about it. You can be mindful of the colour -or lack there of- of the water or the taste or the sensation. Focusing on something other then your original panicked thoughts is very beneficial.

I have had some bad anxiety attacks in my life, It was when I was about sixteen that it started. I honestly did not know what it was at first. I was extremely restless in a certain room and I kept using the excuse of going to the toilet, I could honestly go about three times an hour. The reason for this that I have found is that I was bored. I have learnt that I physically cannot stand being bored. I need to either listen to something or watch something or do something. This is only the case if I am in an environment where I feel like I need to do something. At home I can relax and just stare at the wall for no reason what so ever. Though as soon as I joined sixth form I felt the need to be productive. There was a particular room which I would not step foot in now unless I had to. We called this the 'work room' you can tell what we were expected to do there...Therefore when I had no work to do I was ..lost. I had no work to do in the room that we were supposed to work in. It didn't help at all that there were dividers between the seats and the walls, tables and dividers were a bright white. In fact when I took my support there he made an entire list of why the room would make someone uncomfortable. This anxiety came whenever iw ent ot school for the next few months , I honestly started feeling a lot better and more comfortable there as it was time for me to leave.

From this I have learnt to look around at my surroundings and be analytical about what makes me anxious. I know that if I don't have any emergency things to do that I get anxious, my mind needs to be occupied or else I'm stuck thinking about things that makes me panic or anxious. I have my fidget cube, my crystals, my many pieces of jewellery that I play with and once again I have my mindfulness. People think that mindfulness and meditation is completely clearing your head so that you see a blank canvas and you don't let thoughts appear when in actual fact It's the opposite. You could practice mindfulness by taking note of everything that is surrounding you. Or you could do a visualisation meditation. Both of which are very interactive and good ways to reduce anxiety. I also carry around a notebook with me, if I feel like I'm going to forget about something I write it down, just to reassure myself. I also like to doodle and write down my feelings if I'm not feeling the best. In case you were wondering if the school did anything- they let me do my work in the library instead of the work room, which is a lot more comfortable, and they let me go home instead of hanging out and doing nothing by myself. This is where another piece of advice comes in. Tell people, they might be able to sort something out or do something to help with the situation. Knowing that people understand and are there for you helps a lot! That iswhy my dad started going on walks with me. Usually if one of us isn't feeling the best, we'd ask the other if they want to go for a walk. We went for one last night actually cause it was very stuffy.

The overall aim of this post was to show people that we all have different experiences . Though they could all have things in common. After my first panic attack my dad sat down with me and told me that he also had panic attacks , all his life he had been struggling with them and we had a lot of things in common. When I get panicked I jerk and I need to touch something material to become grounded again. I also wanted to tell you that if you are in a current state of pnic or anxiety that it will get better, you are learning from each and every experience. You are growing to be a stronger person and yes, it may feel like you are back to square one sometimes but in reality, you've just started to go up a steep hill. The hill may block the sun and seem impossible to climb but you can do it! You are walking down a path that has been walked many different times by many different people, there may be markings that help show you the way from other people's journeys but this is your journey! You will reach your destination of happiness! There will be many people with you along the journey, you are never alone. You have your family and then if not your friends and then if not your collegues or teachers and if not there would be that single kind stranger that gives you hope .

Best wishes and sending love!

Nadine