Love Me | Series Book #1

TWENTY ONE

January 2, 2016

Dear diary....woah okay. That's definitely a cheesy way to begin his entry. Um...I guess just I'll  start. So, this past year was really crazy. I feel like so much changed within such a short amount of time and I'm still struggling to keep up. For starters Mason and I broke up. I was the one that ended it with him. There's days when I feel like it's the best decision that I ever made, but there's also times when I regret it. I know I did what's best for me. He was so toxic. A threat to my life more times than not. And yet, I still miss him. It's been weeks since our split, but it just feels like I'm missing a crucial part of my life. Of myself. We were almost one whole together. I like to remember the good, but I can't forget the bad things.

I saw him again yesterday. Drew threw a New Years bash and I went with Chase and Leah. I was afraid that things would be awkward between me and Chase after what happened on Christmas, but he acted as though that moment never existed, so I did too.

At midnight I caught him and Leah with their mouths pressed together on the back porch when I went out there to watch the fireworks. They went off about a mile away but it looked like the sparks  were falling directly on the two of them. Neither one noticed me when backed up towards the living room. Directly into him.

I didn't utter a word as he looked down at me. Grey eyes reflecting every color exploding in the sky. The last time I saw him was Christmas day, when he gave me this journal to write in. I must not have been thinking right, coming to that party without realizing that he would be there. I don't know how it took me by surprise. I'm still getting used to a life that doesn't revolve around him. When I saw him I didn't know how to react. As I looked around I realized that Chase and Leah weren't the only ones who had someone to kiss. It seemed like the whole party was locked in embrace, and everything was silent before the clock rang in the new year. In those few seconds between the next minute, we watched each other. Neither of us moved an inch. But then the chaos erupted. Bottles popped open and Drew hopped on the living room couch and pulled a ridiculous hat over Seth's head. Everyone was back in motion, and the only sound that filled the room was the annoying whistle of party horns.

When I turned back to Mason his gaze hadn't moved. But then, someone bumped into me from behind, causing me to fall forwards. I grabbed onto him for support, and he dropped his beer can. It splattered onto my new suede boots, a Christmas gift from grandma. As I caught my balance, I flinched back, too familiar with his tempter. But, instead of getting angry, he held onto me. I broke away first, before he could say anything. By the time I looked back, he was gone. Probably somewhere in the crowd, joining his football friends.

I hate that I miss him. Even after everything he did to me. After he broke me down and didn't even bother to pick up the pieces. I can't stop holding on to everything that we used to be. I can't forget our beginning. How he would let me parade around in his football jersey and call me his number one fan. The way he threaded his fingers through mine, even while all of his friends were around. At first I believed it was because he wanted to show me off. That it was because he wasn't ashamed of me. But soon after, I learned that it was for his own selfish reasons. That he didn't want anyone else to have me. Wearing his jersey meant that I belonged to him. The signs were so small at first that I almost missed them.

It was when I introduced him to Chase that the first red flag appeared. I brought Mason over to our lunch table where Chase, Aly, and Rachel sat. He'd already met Aly before, when she had to interview him for a yearbook blurb. Chase was familiar with him too, but their conversations didn't exceed the locker room walls. When I brought him over, the first words he said to Chase were,