Lost in the Shadows

41

The next few days I just lounged around the bedroom, I barely got up. The only time I left the room was when I had to use the restroom, but other than that I didn't move a muscle. Wes usually brought in food whenever he cooked, but I would only eat a little bit of it before I pushed it away from me.

All I could think about was how fucked up my life is. My dad put me through hell, and caused me so much pain, just because he wanted me to transition into a strong leader for his gang. What kind of person does that? But that's not what has haunted me the past few days, it's the fact that I killed him. What kind of person does that?

I knew that it was either him or the people I love, and I would do it all over again if it meant protecting them, but those thoughts didn't make things any easier. Which ever you look at it, I still watched the life leave my fathers body from a bullet that I shot. That blood is on me. And I'll have to live with the fact that I shot my own dad.

I tried to remember all the messed up things that he has done, and I tried to remember all of the danger he put me in when I was a child. He was never a good dad, he was never there, he was mean, but he's still family, right?.

My brain felt like mush as I tried to puzzle everything in my head, but nothing is clear in this world, there is an abundant amount of grey area, and I didn't know how to organize that in my head. This world is fucked up.

I've been thinking about leaving all of this, at least for a little bit. I want to be able to grab ahold of my emotions, and I want to try to find myself. Because lately I have seen my own reflection in the mirror, and it scares me. I haven't told Wes about it yet, I know he'll freak out. But this felt like something I needed to do, I have just felt so lost, even when I first got into this, but now I just feel like I lost who I am. I felt lost in the shadows.

I planned on traveling, I haven't seen much of the world and that seemed like a great start. Traveling has always seemed like a great therapy, and a way to soul search. Maybe I can find apart of my on the Wes coast, I've always wanted to see the beach there.

I was interrupted with my thinking and planning by my phone ringing. I looked down at the caller ID, and it was my mom. I called her a few days ago to make sure that she was okay, but she said she was fine. She didn't even bring up the robbery or anything, it was strange.

"Hello," I answered picking at my nails.

"Hey sweetheart, how are you," she asked in a tone of voice where I knew something was wrong.

"I'm doing okay," I lied, i didn't even know what 'okay' felt like anymore.

"Are you sitting down," she asked which I responded yes to. "Okay, so yesterday I got word that your father has passed away, the man said it was cancer. His funeral is today in New York, I'm boarding a plane now. So I'll see you in a few hours, okay," she paused as if she expected me to cry or be in shock, but I knew what had really happened that night, I've replayed it in my head a million times. "Are you okay?"

"Yes mom, I'll be there. I love you," I told her before hanging up the phone.

I tossed the phone on the side of the bed as I threw myself back on the mattress. I rubbed my face in anxiousness. "Who was that," Wes walked in with a grilled cheese in his hand and another one on a plate.

"My mom," I responded reaching for the plate. "My dads funeral is today, I'm going to go," I told him as he sat at the edge of the bed with his legs touching the ground.

I began eating my grilled cheese, the most I've eaten all week, which caused Wes to smile. "Okay, I'll go with you," he told me as he took the last bite of his grilled cheese.