Snow Bound

31

John has never felt less like snow then in that minute. It was all so much easier when he was as cold as the frozen name depicts. Now all he can think about is the pain that almost losing his love caused him.

He never thought he could love any one other than his brother. His father did his best to make that happen. All he knows is that if he loses Whitney then he really will become as cold as snow and just as heartless. 

John snorts to himself. His father always said that love makes you weak. That was his excuse for beating the shit out of his boys. He said that he was beating out the weakness.

But his father was wrong. Love makes you strong. He is able to do things he never thought he could because Whitney believed in him. So he wants to do his best to never let her down. Before he never wanted to even think about having children, although since Michael can't have any one of them would have to.

Now, the idea of Whitney having his children excites him. The thought of her growing big with his child, he can't wait. But after this nights fiasco Whitney might not ever want children again. Or at least try to have children again.

John is so angry at Michael. The last thing Whitney needed was the stress that he gave her. Now they'll never know if she would have been able to have the baby. He just hopes that Whitney doesn't have any physical complications or at least any more complications than she already had.

"How is she?" Michael comes in through the secret door and asks diffidently, unsure of his welcome. He knows that John blames him for what happened. He blames himself. He almost killed Whitney because he lost his temper. He wouldn't blame John if he tries to kill him.

"Sleeping for now. She lost far too much blood. Who knows if that will make it so she won't be able to have kids in the future. Hell, who knows if she'll want to have kids in the future? She was just starting to come around to the idea of having that one."

"It's my fault, I know that John. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for what I did. I'll keep my distance for now. Let her know that if she wants to break our deal I'll completely understand. I wouldn't blame either of you if you didn't want to see or speak to me again.

"Let me know if there is anything I can do for either of you, but until she is ready I won't talk to either of you. Words won't fix anything, I know that. I just hope that one day you both will be able to forgive me." Michael tells him then leaves with one last look at Whitney.

John isn't sure but he thinks he saw Michael wiping away a tear from his eye.

"Was that Michael?" Whitney asks drowsily. She's so tired it is hard for her to see straight or concentrate.

"Yeah, it was. He was just coming in to check on you. He blames himself for what happened and wants you to know that he'll keep his distance until you are ready to be around him if you ever are. He wants your forgiveness but will understand if you don't give it." John says in an even tone and blank face.

"You don't believe him?" Whitney asks letting her eyes close as she waits for John's answer.

"I don't know. He's always had less control of his emotions than me. He wasn't beaten as much to control them like I was. Father thought that the leader should have the fear of his men and so allowed my brother to have his fits of rage."

Whitney gives a small chuckle. "The men are far more afraid of you then they are of Michael. It's the cold emotionlessness that you project that terrifies them the most. When you look at them and study them like you are trying to decide how to kill them in the most painful way possible they all but piss their pants.

"Why would Michael need to adopt a child any way? If he wants a kid he just needs to make sure that the girl he's with is willing to have one for him." Whitney asks after thinking about the conversation she had with them earlier that day before losing the baby.

"My father was in a particularly foul mood one day. He thought Michael was me and so beat the shit out of him, especially in the gonad region. He thought he was sterilizing me, but in reality he sterilized or likely sterilized his heir." John shrugs, "No big deal, I can donate my sperm to the female of his choice and he can have his own child. If I'm not with you I could even replace him until she gets with child if that's what he wants."

"You've forgiven him then?" Whitney asks softly with a little smile on her face.

"Not entirely. Whitney, you almost bled to death. I'm not sure why you had the extra bleeding, the doctor didn't tell me, but I have no idea what if any problems that will give you in the future if you wish for a child."

Whitney looks at him. "It's alright, John. Most of my memories as a child aren't good ones. The ones with my father are just feelings now, more than anything. What I remember is the pain from my mother withdrawing from me as she decided to soak herself in alcohol. Then the beatings she would give me as her dependence grew. Then her progressing to drugs, the abuse slackened but the withdrawal worsened, the neglect and finally her selling me like she did.

"How can I be a good mother, when those are the memories I have of mine?" Whitney holds his eyes as she says all this and so sees as he smiles at her.

"Because, love, you are the kindest and most generous person I've ever met. You have a great deal of love to offer and would do so. You do your best to protect those you love and have given your loyalty to. Do you honestly think that you wouldn't do the same for any child you might have? Sure, it will be a learning curve, but that's the way it is for all new mothers and from what I understand every child is different so it's a different experience for each child. As long as you love them I'm sure that you will do fine."

Whitney gives a bitter little laugh, "It's been so long since I've felt any love, I don't even know what it is any more. I'm not trying to be mean, I know you care for me, John. I can feel it in your touch, but I don't know what love is."

"What you are feeling, Whitney, is love. My love for you. When you were taken I realized that I loved you. I just hadn't figured out how to say it to you since I was taught to not have emotions I wasn't taught how to deal with them. But then you were in so much pain earlier. Then you almost bled to death. I realized that I almost lost you with out telling you just how I feel.

"I know that you may never feel the same about me. My family has done so much damage to  you that I think it's a miracle that you are even willing to talk to me. I know that you care for me and you are loyal to me. I will take that until you wish  or are able to give me more. I just don't know what I'd do if you took that from me."

Whitney is staring at him. It's all that she can do to keep from having her mouth drop open in shock.

"If in the future you wish to start a family with me, I would be more than happy to do so. But not until you are ready." John says and strokes her hair.

"There is food if you would like something to eat. The doctor recommends high protein until your blood builds up. He says that once you feel up to getting out of bed that you are welcome to start your daily activities once more."

"Uh, yeah, I am a bit hungry. I could use some food." Whitney says more than a little slow on understanding from his huge topic switch.

John leans over and gives her forehead a kiss. "Then I'll go get you some food. I'll be back soon."