Monsters

Bram - Age 17: Revelations

Bram walked from his car to the house feeling lighter than he had...well, maybe ever. Hell, he might even say he felt happy. He was glad he'd finally agreed a couple months ago to give Jackass another try.  That therapy crap really did work if you were open to it. 

And she hadn't given him shit for using exercise to work through his fear and anger. Instead, she'd given him tips and visualization tools he could use to make his workouts more effective. She'd also taught him some quick grounding and meditation tools to use when he felt ready to come unglued. 

He still struggled with it, but it was nice to finally feel at least a little bit in control. 

This week, he'd finally found the courage to tell her about the violent daydreams he sometimes had, such as wanting to slam his abuser's head into a stone wall over and over again until he heard the bones crack. It had surprised him that she wasn't even phased by his confession. 

"That's actually similar to what I've heard a lot of men say. Bram, you survived a very long, very violent trauma. Anger is a good thing. It's proof that you're accepting what was done to you but also realizing that it wasn't okay." 

He was ashamed to say that he'd cried like a little girl, asking her to repeat what she'd said again and again until it burned into his head. 

His anger was normal, not something else that was wrong with him. It was an expected, healthy reaction to having been violated. 

Her only caution was that anger needed to be channeled appropriately. She said she'd even talk to his Dad about getting him boxing lessons at the local Weildon gym so he could 'channel it appropriately'. 

Best of all, just like she had with Asher, Jackass had assured him that what had happened to him wasn't his fault. Part of his anger was directed at his abuser, but at least half of it was directed at himself and his twin. Bram had allowed others to violate his body in order to keep his brother alive. 'Coercion' was the word Jackass had used, and she explained that it wasn't an uncommon tool used by abusers. They used your love of another person to force your compliance, threatening to harm or kill that person if you didn't allow them to hurt you instead. 

Worst of all, it sometimes left the survivor feeling like they'd been okay with the abuse, like it was their fault for not fighting it. It could also make them resent the person they were protecting, and he realized in that moment exactly why he had drifted away from Kirg the past few years. 

It hadn't been his fault, and it hadn't been Kirg's either. They had both been victims, and he needed to reconnect with his brother. He knew Kirg was still being ripped apart by the trauma, but now that Bram wasn't coming apart at the seams, maybe he could help sew his brother back together too. 

Bram jumped up the steps, his heart speeding up with anticipation of another friendship in need of repair. He couldn't wait to talk to Asher, to tell him he'd been right all along. And maybe that would make up for his stupid comment six months ago, the comment that made Asher start avoiding him. 

He opened the front door, not caring that his face was pulled into an uncharacteristically big smile. 

Today, he felt like he could do anything. 

The smile left his face as soon as his ears heard it: the sound of a heart frantically beating. 

Asher was the only one home today. Was he having a panic attack? That hadn't happened in years. 

He jogged up the steps, preparing to check on the other young man when he faintly picked up the scent of musk. 

Bram's brain stalled. Was Asher jerking it?