𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 - 𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧

(twenty-six)

"Bora!" My sister jumps into my arms. "You're home so soon!" I nod and pry myself out of her grip so I can go get Princess Siyeon. She's standing awkwardly beside the carriage, so I take her hand and lead her inside. She's probably still shaken from the sandstorm. But as soon as she sees my mother she drops my hand and all of her worries seem to dissipate.

Mama hugs the Princess and squeals excitedly, feverishly complimenting her and telling her how good it is to see her again. She's very informal with the Princess, but neither of them seems to mind it; they enjoy each other a lot. Only after fawning over my best friend for ten minutes does my mother notice that I'm home.

She greets me far differently than the Princess. She wordlessly wraps her arms around me and sighs heavily. She stands there like that for a few minutes before whispering, "I'm glad you're home safe, Bora. We all missed you."

"Okay, buggy," I hear my dad shout. "Almost dinnertime!" He steps out of the kitchen waving a spatula in the air as he sings one of his incoherent cooking songs.

I wave. "Hi, papa." He jumps.

"Bora! Let me throw some more veggies in the pan for you two and then I'll come say hi properly." He disappears around the corner and I glance at the Princess who looks back at me with a soft smile on her lips.

Just like mama, papa hugs Princess Siyeon before he hugs me. I wish I could say I blame them, but she just has an energy about her that draws people in and makes her the centre of attention without even needing to try. Maybe it's her kind smile, or maybe my parents just love her for how nice she was to them during their first meeting.

After a lengthy greeting, we all sit down to eat. Papa gives the Princess her food first, and she thanks him quietly. "How long are you two staying?" Mama asks. "Jiwon's staying over at Chaesol's tonight, so if you're staying the night one of you can sleep in her bed."

"We'll stay the night," Princess Siyeon answers, "It would be a shame to have to leave so soon again. We hardly got to see you last time!" My mother giggles at the flattery and begins cleaning up as we all finish eating. Jiwon bids us all farewell and leaves for her friend's house.

I hear Princess Siyeon yawn and turn to look at her. "You can go sleep in either bed," I tell her, "I'll be up after I finish helping mama." The Princess nods and walks up the stairs to my room. As soon as we hear my door shut, mama shuts off the tap and turns to face me.

"I swear, Bora, if you don't marry that girl–"

"What?!"

She shushes me. "Come on, honey. I'm not stupid. I see the way you two look at each other – and the way she talks about you in her letters! She's so sweet on you." She ushers me toward the table and tells me to take a seat while she looks for something. After a moment of rooting through the kitchen drawer, she returns with a stack of envelopes and sets them down. "Let me show you what she says about you," Mama mumbles, opening an envelope and scanning the letter inside. "Ah, here!" She hands it to me.

Mrs. Kim, I want to thank you again for allowing your daughter to work at the palace. Kim Bora is amazing, both in her work and personal life. I'm grateful for the time she spends with me and how well she treats me. But in all honesty, I haven't always treated her very well. Her letters to you at the beginning weren't an accurate depiction of her life at all. I made her miserable. She tolerated me anyway, for the sake of your family. Never once should you doubt how much Kim Bora loves you. She speaks so highly of you, and she just lights up when she talks about her family. It's so nice to see her smiling and laughing when she tells me stories, and she reads me the notes you've written to me in her letters. Thank you for being kind to me, and I'm so sorry I can't say I've done the same for your daughter. I promise I never intend to hurt her again. I promise, as long as I live, I will do what I can to give Kim Bora and her family a happy life. You'll never worry about food or housing, and hopefully you can rest well at night knowing she's safe with someone who cares deeply about her. I never want to go a day where I don't see her smile. So I promise you I'll do everything in my power to keep her smiling. Warm regards, Siyeon.

"Mama, did she really write that?" I'm baffled. There's no way Princess Siyeon really thinks these things about me. She nods and slides me another letter. She chews her nails as I open it and read each sentence with my name out loud. "'Kim Bora lights up my life... brilliant smile... beautiful eyes... dedication... kind heart – mama, there's no way she said these things about me!"

"And why not?"

I stammer, "Be-because she's royalty! I'm just a commoner. How can she say I have pretty eyes or a pretty smile when she's the single most beautiful girl in the kingdom?" I rub my temples with my fingers. "Why would she even bother looking at me? She's the impressive one! She's well-educated and she's kind and considerate. She's smart and funny and gorgeous, and she tries really hard to be a good person. How can I even be in the same room as someone like her? I– God, she makes me nervous! She's just too... herself. Too good and kind and sophisticated. Makes me uncomfortable."

"Do you like Princess Siyeon, maybe?" Mama asks timidly.

Do I? I've never really thought about that. Sure, I love being around her. And of course I think she's beautiful; everyone knows she is. She's kind and fun and empathetic and she's always there when I need her. "She's the kind of person to care for me when I'm sick," I whisper, "Even though my job is to take care of her." She's also the kind of person to find me huddled up and hidden in a room alone, naked and terrified and beaten half to death, and respect me enough not to touch me until I told her it was okay. She's the kind of person to clean out my wounds and apologise for the pain I've endured – pain she had nothing to do with. Mama asks me how I feel when the Princess is around. "Well, she makes me happy. I like her laugh. I get nervous around her, sometimes. But when she holds me, I always feel safe. She keeps life interesting, and when she's not around I catch myself thinking about what she must be doing, you know, if she's happy and if she's eaten and all that."

Mama sets a hand on top of mine. "Bora, it sounds like you like her," she croons.

"No, I can't. She's the Princess."

"Who gives a shit?" Mama rolls her eyes. "Status symbols are bullshit. Don't think of her as a Princess. Just think of her as the pretty girl who makes you feel nervous sometimes, huh?"

It's not that simple. She can never just be 'the pretty girl who makes me nervous'. There's too much history between us for me to reduce her to that. Because she's not just a pretty girl who makes me nervous, she's my best friend, my protector, the most trustworthy person in my life, and so much more. It would be borderline blasphemy to call her something as simple as 'the pretty girl who makes me nervous' when I know very well that she's so much more than that.

With a lot to think about, I excuse myself from my conversation with mama and go upstairs to sleep. I've had a long day of travelling. After changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, I walk back into my room in the dark, moving slowly so as not to trip over anything. I look at Jiwon's bed and see the Princess lying there fast asleep. I duck beneath the blanket on the ceiling and climb into my own bed, panicking momentarily when I collide with something warm.

"Bora?" The Princess mumbles groggily. I apologise and try to get up, but she asks me to stay. I lie down beside her. "Relax a little; we've had plenty of nights where we slept in each other's rooms. Just sleep, you need it." I relax and she snakes an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to her. She falls back asleep quickly, but I've got too much on my mind to relax.

Is mama right? Do I like Princess Siyeon? Or am I just exhausted and going a little crazy from tiredness? And if I somehow did like her, wouldn't it be wrong of me to sleep in her arms? I mean, if I liked her then this would be like leading her on or creating a false narrative for myself in my head.

But she's so warm, and her heartbeat and breathing are so steady and calming. For now, I'll assume I'm just tired. If I liked her, it would be wrong for me to snuggle closer to her. But I'm just tired, so I let myself do it anyway.