The Unknown

xliv. realization

A heart-pounding silence stretched on between us. The rush of wind grew to an encompassing roar in my ears. 

I willed myself to meet the eyes of the familiar stranger before me. Initially, my brain surged with recognition. But the longer I stared, the less I could see Jade in the depths of her dark, eerily empty eyes, her lips still pressed into a sharp smile. 

"Remember, Tess," she said softly, barely audible over the wind. "They've already done so much for you. If they hadn't altered us, we wouldn't be able to survive this radioactive wasteland. We would be long dead." She leaned forward, the words slipping slowly from her lips. "They can make us better."

"Better," I repeated, turning her words over in my head, still staring at her. 

Something about her did look better than the rest of us. Her eyes were bright and clear, her skin flush and glowing with vitality. There was no pain nor worry on her face at all, and no dark circles under her eyes. Her limbs rippled with lithe muscles that suggested she was not struggling for nourishment as the rest of us were. 

"Think it over," Jade said dispassionately. She stood and stared down at me for a moment, then slid back beside Shaun and closed her eyes like nothing had happened.

Maybe I didn't realize it then, but after our conversation, I had already made up my mind.

I didn't—couldn't—take my eyes off Jade the entire night, even as the rising sun chased the moon behind the horizon. 

Throughout the next day, she and Shaun whispered together constantly. They were always in contact with each other, his arm slung over her shoulder or her fingers interlaced with his.

Kyle and I were picking some edible greens when he said hoarsely, "Shaun sees the body of the girl he loved, and he can't face the truth that it's not her."

I didn't respond. There were too many exhausted thoughts swirling around in my head to make sense of. I couldn't bring myself to tell everyone what Jade had told me. Every time one of us coughed or grimaced with pain, horrible images of death cascaded through my brain. 

It didn't help that the ache in my own head was spreading, growing into something harder to ignore. And, as we foraged, Kyle couldn't hide the frightening new tremor in his hands.

Matt was the exception, of course. He pushed himself to work harder to make up for our declining conditions. Even Kyle admitted that he was a great ally—but stood by his view that initially trusting him wasn't a logical decision. I suggested that acting on gut instincts wasn't always such a bad thing, and Kyle just smiled.

Jade's words had planted a seed in my mind, both of fear and of hope. For the first time in years, it felt possible that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe we wouldn't have to run forever. Maybe we could return to our homes and live some semblance of normal lives.

But this was assuming she was telling the truth. The rational part of my brain didn't want to trust her at all. Even if her words were true, I was certain the fantasy she had painted would come with grave costs. Whatever had happened to Jade's mind would likely happen to ours, too.

Even now, as she collected fallen walnuts with Shaun, an imperturbable smile was etched on her face. Kyle was right, I thought. This was not the girl I'd known for three, now almost four years.

Would Jade's false fairytale be worse than death? There was no sign of improvement in any of our symptoms. I was beginning to believe her about that part: our bodies were falling apart, and it would only be a matter of time before—

I couldn't even finish my thought, staring anxiously at Kyle's trembling hands. His gaze was lifeless, almost resigned, his eyes rimmed with grey circles. I tried to stay focused on my work because the sight of him made my heart sink. He looked like he had one foot in the grave.

Once again, I found Jade's words surfacing in my mind, like bubbles of air in water.

You'll all rot. 

They can make us better. 

Radioactive wasteland.

That's when it hit me. My legs collapsed, and I fell hard to my hands and knees. The air was forced from my lungs as if I'd been punched.

"What is it?" Kyle asked. He knelt down beside me, his hand skimming my back, searching for some injury that wasn't there.

"I've made a terrible mistake."

"What?" Kyle repeated, his voice hushed but urgent with concern.

"I've killed Matt," I choked.

"What do you mean?"

I pushed myself back onto my knees, looking up at him. "He's being exposed to deadly radiation." My gut churned with guilt. "Because of me."

Matt wasn't one of us. Like Doc, he would not be immune to the effects of the radiation that Van had told me about. For weeks now, he'd been surrounded by it, unknowingly consuming contaminated food and water every day.

"They talked about radiation dangers in the military. It can take years to accumulate enough exposure to cause sickness." He hesitated. "Like Doc."

"But we have no idea how much is around us right now," I whispered. "No way of knowing."

"Which means he might be completely fine," Kyle said gently.

"Or he could already have gotten a dose that will kill him. For all we know, we could be standing directly under the spot where a bomb was dropped." My voice grew shaky and strangled; I convinced myself of my words' truth as I spoke them, spiraling into despair.

Suddenly, a violent crashing sounded through the trees. We both turned toward the noise, our conversation cut off like it'd been sliced by a guillotine.

As if he'd heard us talking about him, Matt burst from the forest, halting in front of us. Kyle and I stared as he panted, doubled over with his hands propped against his knees. 

"It's Zara," he managed between labored breaths. "She just collapsed."

______________

Alright, I shouldn't make any promises I can't 100% keep, but I feel like I can finish this story by the end of the year...assuming my fall semester isn't overwhelming (it might be). These chapters are taking longer because I want to get them right, but there aren't many left. I'm shooting for exactly 50 because it's a nice neat number.

Also, the big picture is clearer: this likely will not be the absolute end. I'm thinking there will be at least a part 2 or a second book eventually. But this one will also need much polishing and rewriting. Deletions and additions. Thanks for being here for the first draft. ♡