Dive In

Chapter 18

•Nolani•

Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still feel cold damp concrete below my head. I can hear the sound of rats scratching in the trash, scavenging for any crumb of sustenance that was left behind. I can smell the stench of feces and urine that hung in the air like a thick fetid cloud and I have that achy empty feeling in my gut— the one you get when you haven't eaten in two days. For a moment I'm back under the bridge sleeping on a ripped bath towel, my Mom asleep at my feet with her fingers wrapped around my ankle in a vice grip. My skin feels gritty, my mouth is dry and my scalp itches but if I close my eyes really tight and pinch the skin on the inside of my forearm I can push all those things away and focus on the sound of the waves crashing against the sand. It was the only way I could fall asleep most nights, the times we weren't near the water were the hardest.

My eyes shoot open and I slowly come back to reality. I blink up at the ceiling and take a deep breath, the bedding greeting my nose with the strong smell of fresh linen. I dig my fingers into the plush comforter and wiggle my legs freely, nothing but silence surrounding me. A relieved exhale leaves my lungs as I rise up from the bed. The wood floor is cold against my bare feet but it's clean and smooth and it feels nice. I go to the en suit and turn the light on, a terrified expression on the face staring back at me in the mirror.

I study my reflection— my clean face, my clean hair. I flash a smile and I'm greeted with beautiful straight, white teeth. Veneers. I'd been so thankful when I could afford them. Being homeless with a flighty mother meant I rarely was able to brush my teeth and when I did scrounge up enough change for a toothbrush and tooth paste the empty pain in my stomach overruled my dental hygiene. Even if I had been able to buy a toothbrush and toothpaste it would've been a waste when my Mom would randomly up and decide we needed to leave. She never let me go back to the place we had been staying and grab the meager things I had collected that I called my belongings, she always demanded we had to move right then.

I shake my head, I'm not there anymore and she's long gone. Sometimes it takes everything I've got to even remember what she looked like or what her voice sounded like but I think it's better that way. I grab my toothpaste and toothbrush and brush my teeth. After finishing up my morning routine I go to the kitchen, my stomach churning from my trip to the past and decide to skip breakfast so I don't have to hug the toilet right after eating. Instead I grab a glass of water and chug it.

When I was placed with my foster parents they ended up putting a lock on their pantry and their fridge because I would sneak into the kitchen while everyone was asleep and eat everything in sight. My stomach would feel so full but I couldn't stop. Even after I'd throw up I'd still shovel food in until there was nothing left. It took a lot of therapy to get through the over eating, I was terrified of waking up the next day and not having anything to eat, terrified of living with agonizing hunger pains again.

The motion detector beeps and Angelo opens the door allowing Alessia inside the house followed by her guard Jamie.

Alessia gives me a small smile, her lower lip wobbling and unshed tears filling her eyes as I exit the kitchen.

"Hey." She says, her voice thick with emotion.

"What's wrong?" I ask in concern.

She rolls her eyes and shrugs. "Nothing I shouldn't be used to. I just needed some time away from Mamma."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She bites her lip, contemplating the question before replying, "Do you wanna go for a swim?"

I give her a nod. "Sure."

Alessia goes to the laundry room to grab a swimsuit she had left the last time she swam at Giovanni's, while I go in my room and change into my own. A few minutes later and we're soaking up the sun on pool floats.