The Way I Loved You | Tobias Eaton

eight

I twiddled with the hem of my skirt nervously. I thought I was sure of my decision before I got here, but now that I'm sitting amongst my fellow Abnegation, I find myself second-guessing myself.

I'm so distracted by my thoughts, I don't even realise that I've been bouncing my leg until my mother reaches over to clamp a hand over it.

Smiling at me reassuringly, my Mom then interlaces her fingers with mine. "Whatever your choice is, as long as you follow your heart, it'll always be the right one."

I force a smile I wasn't feeling at her, before turning my gaze back to the stage in front of me, where five bowls, each containing different elements that represented each faction, sat on a long table.

My mind starts to wander once again, and I can't help but wonder if Tobias was as uncertain as I was, or if he was confident in his choice. I also wonder if I knew what faction he'd transferred to, would I choose to go after him?

I shake the thoughts out of my head, I refuse to meet my mother's eyes though I could feel them on me. One look in my eyes and she would be able to see the storm whirling in them, and I didn't want her to worry.

I was going to stay. And that's final.

With a determined nod, I straighten up in my seat, getting ready for the ceremony to take its course. The sooner this was all over, the better.

"The faction system is a living being composed of cells. All of you," Jeanine Matthews- the leader of Erudite- says, "And the only way it can survive and thrive is for each of you to claim your rightful place. The future belongs to those who know where they belong." She concludes before walking off, allowing Marcus Eaton to take the stage.

An ugly feeling blooms in my chest at the sight of my faction leader.

You always hear people telling you how most people aren't what they seem. But you never know how true that statement is until you've experienced it first-hand.

I used to think he was caring and helpful. Now, all I see is a heartless monster standing in front of me.

"When we leave this room, you will no longer be dependants, but full-fledged members of our society." He starts, and I wonder how many people realise how ugly the man is underneath the pleasant mask. "Faction before blood."

The room echoes after him and I wonder if half of them even really believe in what they're saying.

"Jonathan Ziegler," Marcus announces, officially commencing the ceremony and I sit up straighter in my seat.

I watch as an Erudite boy approaches the stage with confident strides, nicking his palm with the provided blade and dropping holding his hand over the bowl filled with clear water.

"Erudite!"

Claps sound through the room and I watch as one after the other, and people are called up to the platform to make the decision that's going to define the rest of their lives.

I could hear the beating of my heart pounding so loudly in my ears that it makes it hard to pay attention to anything else.

My Mom's fingers squeeze around mine again and I look up to see her glancing at me with understanding eyes, "Don't make this decision for me," She says, "Make it for yourself," Her words are so heartfelt it makes my heart clench, "It's you who has to live with it, Fallon. Not me."

Then, in a gesture that feels too much like goodbye for my liking, my Mother wraps an arm around my shoulders and hugs me tightly to her chest just as Marcus calls my name.

"I love you, my girl. Always will. No matter what," She says softly in my ear before she releases me.

"I love you, too, Mom." I tell her before rising from my seat.

Ignoring the sheer number of eyes on me, I roll back my shoulders and start to make my way to the front.

My eyes connect with Marcus's as I step onto the podium and a bout of rage builds in my chest at the thought of this man putting his hands on Tobias.

I quickly tear my gaze away from his, steady ignoring it from here on, worried that if I looked at him for any longer, I'll give in to the urge of punching him in the face just so he could feel what it was like to be the person that's on the receiving end of someone's fist.

Taking a deep breath, I picked up the blade and pricked my hand with its tip, watching as the blood starts to pool in my palm.

My eyes dart between the five bowls in front of me and for a moment, it all feels too suffocating.

I glance over my shoulder at my mother, and she flashes me another one of those smiles of hers that makes it feel like I can do no wrong in her eyes and gives me a nod in encouragement.

Turning back to the table in front of me, I squeeze my eyes shut and take another deep breath in an effort to clear my head.

My mind is still racing when I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" Marcus's voice says from behind me, "I know it's scary but-"

"Get your filthy hand off of me," I snap, turning the glare at him.

His eyes widen in shock at my outburst and I shoot a deadly glare his way.

I'm aware that I was probably taking way too long and returned my attention to the bowls- namely the stone-filled one that represented Abnegation.

I wasn't quite sure what it was, but though I've had my mind set on staying since I was a child, something about the idea of it just didn't feel quite right.

Unconsciously, my gaze fleets over to the bowl filled with hot coals.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure what I did in my aptitude test that lead my result to be Dauntless.

I didn't pick the knife. That was the obvious choice for Dauntless, right? I made a conscious effort to make choices that would give me an Abnegation test result, but it didn't work. And now here I am, wondering if that's the universe giving me a sign.

Before I'm even fully able to come to terms with what about to do, my body is moving on its own accord, as if that little bowl of coals was calling to me.

For a minute, it felt as if time had slowed down as I watch a drop of my blood fall from my palm and sizzle as it lands on the pile of coals.

"Dauntless!"

My lips part in a gasp and I spin around, my eyes finding my Mom's amongst the crowd.

My Mom beams at me from where she's seated, her hands clapping along with the cheers of Dauntless members as her mouth moves to form the words: 'I'm proud of you'.