The Way I Loved You | Tobias Eaton

ten

"I hate to break this up," A throat clears from beside us, "But we have to clear the way, Four."

I frown at the name the girl had just used to address him and Tobias reluctantly tears his gaze away from mine.

"Got it," He nods, "You mind taking over, Lauren?"

The girl- Lauren- smirks at him, "Sure thing."

Tobias shoots her a thankful look before he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to him as he lifts me off the net.

My breath hitches in my throat at the contact. I could see feel my skin prickling as he releases me, only to seize my hand in a tight grip as if he was afraid I might disappear if he lets me go.

"This way," He tells me, leading me towards an empty hallway.

I take a moment to observe him, taking in those familiar features.

His hair is shorter than it used to be and he'd filled out quite a bit since I'd last seen him, no longer the slightly lanky boy in the awkwardly fitted clothes. Now, his clothes cling to his chest and arms, highlighting his muscles in a way that makes him look amazing. Perfect, even. More perfect than I ever remembered him to be back when we were younger- if that's even possible.

Tobias's fingers squeeze around mine, almost like he needed a reminder that I was still there with him and he continues walking until we reach a silent corner before he reluctantly releases my hand and turns to look at me.

"Hi," I say, breaking the silence that blankets us.

"Hey," His lips tip into a smile as his eyes take me in.

"You look different. I like the hair," I tell him, clenching my hands at my side and resisting the urge to run my fingers through it. "It looks good like that."

A smile stretches across his face- a real one. You know, the kind at meets your eyes and makes it feel like you're smiling with your eyes too.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I nod.

"I'll make sure to keep it like that, then."  He says, closing the space that separated us until we were standing chest to chest.

He's so close to me that it feels like I forgot how to breathe for a moment and when he reaches up to brush a lock of my hair off of my face like he'd always used to do, I feel my heart stutter almost like it had forgotten how it was supposed to work along with my lungs.

"So, Dauntless." I forced myself to take a deep breath, finally finding my voice again.

Tobias nods, "Yeah, Dauntless. It felt right." He answers, never once taking his eyes off of me as he mutters, "I can't believe you're here."

I let out a small laugh, "Me, neither."

"I didn't think you'd want to leave Abnegation," He says hesitantly and I shrug.

"It felt right," I repeated his sentiment, "Though, this is a little unexpected. I didn't think you'd be here."

Tobias frowns, "What do you mean? Has no one told you?"

I shook my head, "I...uh...I didn't want to know." I confessed.

Tobias nods in understanding, his fingers tracing over the freckles scattered across my cheeks.

"I missed you," He whispers.

I missed you, too. I swallow the words I had wanted to say and instead asked, "Are you happy here, Toby?"

Tobias's eyes meet mine, his gaze holding mine captive and refusing to let it go as he replies, "I am, now."

He wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me against him and lets out a breath as if he could finally breathe again.

Then, he leans in, his lip grazing mine and I squeeze my eyes shut at how familiar they feel on mine because it hurts too much. The reminder of what we used to have hurts.

"Please, don't." I breathed, "It hurt too much the first time, Tobias. I can't do this again."

He freezes and his brows pinch, mirroring the pain that I felt.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I blurt, finally asking the question that's been plaguing my mind.

Judging by the way Tobias's body stiffens, there wasn't a need for elaboration.

"I could've been there for you," I say.

I still remembered how he held me while I cried after my Dad had died and wished I could've done the same for him. I'm not sure how much help I could've been otherwise, but at least he would know that there was someone there for him.

He shrugs, "I don't know what to tell you, Fal. I just...I couldn't. I didn't...I didn't know how to."

I had a feeling that wasn't all there was to it, but this was a touchy subject and so I thought it was best not to push him about it if he wasn't ready to open up about it.

Nodding, I take a step back to put some distance between us. If I don't, I worry I'd do something stupid...like kiss him and tell him that I was still stupidly in love with him.

Exhaling sharply, I force a smile for his sake. "It's good to see you, Tobias. I-"

"I'm sorry," He cuts me off, his tone desperate, "I'm sorry for leaving. But I had to, Fallon. I had to. It didn't feel like I had any other choice. If I thought I did, I would've never left you. You have to know that."

"I do," I say sadly, "It's not about that, Tobias. We've spent more time apart than we ever had together. Shouldn't that say something?"

He runs a hand through his hair in distress, "We were good together-"

"I don't know if that's enough," I whisper, tears stinging at the back of my eyes.

Tobias's throat bobs as he swallows, his eyes growing glassy like I'm sure my eyes were.

"I'm sorry," I choke out before turning on my heel and retracing our steps back to where we came from.

I don't look back because I know the moment I do, a part of me would regret doing this. Maybe even beg him to take me back.

I'm not mad that he chose his freedom over me. Considering his situation, it would be unfair to hold that against him...but I just can't.

I love him, I do...and that's the problem.

Loving Tobias Eaton made me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world, but loving him was also what broke me in the end.

I'm just not sure if our love is worth the risk of putting myself through that again.