Fiona on Fire | ONC 2023

04. welcome to the machine

Note: I aim to show some of the harsh realities of show business, but this story will not be graphic/explicit.

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This director was more eccentric. She'd searched his name online, and articles mentioned him requiring as many as a hundred takes of a scene. Actors spoke with thinly veiled harsh criticism toward him. He had lost studio funding and was doing independent films now. These all seemed like red flags. But she needed this.

He was demanding. She could live with that. He liked to draw the best performances out of people, no matter what it took. That's what she told herself as she walked into the audition.

"I want you to scream as loudly as you can," was the first thing he said to her, before she even sat down.

It was a horror movie he was making, but this seemed like a strange test. Maybe he wanted someone obedient enough to immediately follow his command, or strong-willed enough to question or refuse him.

She stole a glance at his face. His eyes looked overeager, his fingers twiddling under his bearded chin.

"In fear?" she asked, trying to stay businesslike.

"In abject horror!"

Fiona hadn't prepared for this. 

She planted her feet and imagined there was something evil behind her—a serial killer, a grotesque monster—it didn't matter. It approaching fast, but her feet were shackled, and she couldn't move, only scream—

The sound from her throat went from deep and guttural to shrill and piercing. As the air rushed out, tears sprung from her eyes and her hands shook. Her knees wanted to crumple and cower away from the terrifying presence she'd conjured in her mind.

The director's slow clap brought her back to reality. "Bravo! What's your name?"

"Fiona Flores."

"That's got a nice ring to it. Is it real?"

She nodded.

"Some parents...so good at naming, you don't even need a stage name. Meanwhile, I got Benjamin Abernathy."

"That's not so bad." She smiled, pouring on the charm.

Benjamin flipped through pages of a script, then stopped as if lost in thought. He tossed the papers behind him. "We don't need to do any more. Filming begins in six weeks. Are you free?"

"Yes."

"You're hired, then."

She smiled wider, her heart beating fast as she stood to shake his hand. "Thank you, sir. I won't disappoint you."

"Oh, everybody does." He gently took her hand, then gripped harder and brought it to his lips for a kiss.

She tried to act naturally, as if this were normal, but wanted to jerk her hand away.

Fiona was suddenly aware of his invisible control and power over her. It was his role, and she was only one of thousands of actors who could all be replaced in the blink of an eye. If he said to scream, she'd ask how loud.

She was a part of the machine now, a pretty little cog, mindlessly spinning. There was a bad feeling in her gut.

She would do the movie, and she would try to give the best performance she possibly could. On set, she would never be alone with Benjamin. Even for commercials, sets were crowded places. There would be other cast members, producers, a camera crew, and more.  She was sure everything would be fine.

***

Fiona got home and wandered into her apartment in a daze. Erin was there sprawled out on the couch, gripping the TV remote. With her sandy blonde hair and deep tan, she looked like she had grown up in southern California. In reality, she was from the same dead-end town in Ohio as Fiona and had been in her older brother Cody's grade. She'd only moved here temporarily to attend UCLA and finish her business degree.

"How'd it go?" Erin asked.

"I...got the part."

Erin laughed. "Why don't you seem excited? That's amazing."

"Oh, it's nothing. The director has a bit of a reputation, and I think he's already lived up to it."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No," she flopped down on the couch next to Erin, reaching over to steal some of her popcorn. "Whatcha watching?" Fiona had managed to get her roommate more interested in movies.

"New film with Alex Monet."

"No way. I swear I saw him on the street the other day." She could still picture the impeccable cut of his suit and hear the single word he had uttered in her direction.

"You didn't."

"I did."

"Is he as hot in person as on the screen?"

Fiona eyed the TV, then turned and earnestly nodded.

"Did you say anything to him?"

She opened her mouth to lie, then smiled guiltily and shoved more popcorn in her mouth.

"Ooh, you did. Imagine if you end up working with him—"

"I don't even like to think of that kind of thing," Fiona said.

"You've got to believe it can happen for it to be possible, right? Otherwise, what's the point in trying?"

"Like less than one percent of actors work at the top level, whose names and faces we know. Beneath that, some more stay unknown but are able to make a living. And then there are probably millions who want to be in that one percent and never make it. So I'm realizing I can't get my hopes up."

"You've left everything and everyone behind and thrown yourself into this one hundred percent. If anyone can do it, it's you, Fi."

She smiled at Erin, warmth spreading in her heart with how much she supported her dream—unlike anyone back home. "Thank you for letting me stay here."

"Don't mention it, girl. Just don't be late on rent." She winked.