Fiona on Fire | ONC 2023

10. messy

Fiona went back to work on Monday and didn't want to discuss the party incident with anyone. She thought she acted well that day, but Alex seemed off. Distracted.

"Are you okay?" he asked her in between takes.

"Nothing happened. Stop assuming something so small would shake me."

He took a step back. "Okay, I get it. I'll respect that. I just think I'd be terrified, and it might help to talk to someone about it."

"Thanks for the concern, but it's really not necessary."

Fiona knew it wasn't her fault, but she felt a little stupid for having trusted Nate—if that was even his name—to bring her a drink. She thought it showed everyone what a naïve midwestern girl she was, with no experience partying.

The situation had been preventable. From then on, she resolved to always carry pepper spray and never leave her drink unattended. Live and learn.

She felt bad, though, like there was a tightness in the pit of her stomach. She was jumpy, always waiting for something terrible to happen.  

At night, her head was buzzed with thoughts—the same thoughts over and over again that she couldn't seem to quiet. She lived the helpless feeling of being drugged over and over again. She imagined if Alex's sister hadn't noticed and intervened. 

She couldn't take it anymore. So she went out, bought a bottle of wine, and drank the whole thing by herself. This did quiet her mind, but it also left her with a pounding headache the next morning of shooting.

Still, she did it again the next night, and the next. It helped her to sleep, otherwise, she would toss and turn all night.

She wore big sunglasses to work and only took them off just before the director said action. The lights were too bright, and she could feel the stares of dozens of eyes on her. She kept flubbing her lines, which only made her frustrated and unable to perform.

She knelt down and put her head in her hands. "Can I take a break?"

"Why, what's up?" the director asked.

"I don't feel well."

He seemed annoyed but said, "Okay, take five."

Fiona wandered away, all the way outside to her trailer. She sunk to the ground and leaned against one of the tires.

She was exhausted. Everything felt bigger than her now and out of her control. It didn't feel real. She wasn't there. She wasn't really a movie star, she was a little girl from Ohio. It was a dream.

She felt frozen and didn't move for a solid hour. She heard people shouting her name, looking for her. It was all an unimportant blur.

A man she didn't know wearing a business suit approached her, knelt, and leaned in close. "You signed a contract. Unless you're bleeding from your ears, we need to finish the shoot on time."

She looked up at him with scorn. She wasn't a person to him, she was a commodity. But she knew it was too late to recast her. It would cost too much.

When she didn't move, his tone only got more sinister.

"I can personally end your entire career if you don't get yourself together, I promise that. Everyone can tell when you're hungover or withdrawing from whatever smack you happen to fancy. It's a disgrace."

She ignored him until he left, still muttering to himself. Alex was the next one to find her. He sat down against the trailer beside her, staring ahead.

She turned to look at him, waiting for something.

His lips parted. "We don't have to talk. I don't really know what to say, anyway."

She allowed the silence to draw on, then let out a big sigh. "How do you handle all this?"

"All what?"

"You've already been in a lot of huge movies. You're, like, A-list famous. Isn't it overwhelming?"

"Yes." He swung an arm up to rub at his neck. "I never tell anyone this, but I go to therapy. Weekly. And I had a..." he trailed off, smiling sheepishly. "A weed addiction. It helped calm my nerves, and it seemed better than, you know...hard drugs. But you can't rely on that. You've got to find healthy coping mechanisms."

"How?"

"I'm still figuring it out. But like, genuine connections with people. Hobbies you enjoy outside of work, just for fun. Stuff like that."

"I don't have any of that," she admitted.

They were silent for a while, as if he were letting her ponder that.

There was something else she'd been wondering about. "Hey...you said you liked to stay in character the whole shoot. But you aren't now, are you?"

"No," he smiled to himself, staring at the horizon. "You've kind of made me rethink that."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. I wanted to be present in the moment, not trying to lose myself in someone else. I was worried about you."

Her heart beat a little faster. "Well don't worry," Fiona said, pouring on the sarcasm. "Clearly, I'm just fine."

***

Fiona tried her best to get back on track. Drinking was the beginning of a terrible path, she knew that. So she ditched it, not allowing herself to keep any alcohol in her apartment.

She decided to practice gratitude and realized just how much she had to be thankful for. Not only the acting opportunities—being the lottery winner who was selected from a talent pool of thousands of hopeful actresses just like her—and not the fast car, the apartment, or the clothes. Above all, it was her family, however imperfect they were, and Erin, all of her friends back home, and all of the new ones she'd made here but kept at a distance.

She learned about meditation, yoga, and deep breathing. She journaled each night to put her chaotic thoughts to rest. Slowly, she felt calmer and more at ease in her daily life. 

Before she knew it, the first Unreached movie was almost finished shooting. Fiona and Alex had gotten to know each other more deeply, frequently talking between scenes about anything and everything. 

One day, he asked if he could show her his favorite restaurant in the city. She said yes.

___________

A/N: I reached the round 2 word count goal (8000) last chapter. I'm really trying to get ahead since it's spring break for me now, and later, I'll probably be insanely busy with college. I don't think I've ever updated this fast before nor written so much in a short time, so I hope I can reach 20k in time! Obviously, the writing is flawed, but the entire point for me is not to overthink it. Maybe I'll edit and revise a bit if I finish early.