Teenage Veracity

i overthink a lot

You have no idea how deep I let people's opinions of me sink inside me. And you also have no idea how I tried to get their opinion out of my head, because why would their opinion of me matter? Still, everything is still in my head. Too deep. And I sink.

I'm sorry. I know I'm annoying, but it is not my intention that you'll be annoyed by me. People find it annoying if a person is being too dramatic and overreacting. They find it cringeworthy, and I also find it cringeworthy. Am I cringey? Do you think I'm cringey?

Am I making your day worse by wasting your time with me? Do you find me annoying? I know I'm total nonsense, and you can leave me alone if this is too much for you.

I overthink too much. I think we all do. But I think mine gets worse as I grow more conscious of people and the world. You have no idea how I tried to neglect this feeling. But nothing happens. This cycle of overthinking never ends. Everyday. Another day means a new page of overthinking.

My brain must be tired of me. I always overworked her just to fit in with my unnecessary thoughts. How can I just stop? Until I stop feeling too much and too deeply?

I can't let them inside my mind, for my mind is a junkyard. It's always collecting garbage and unused stuff to examine what I can sell. It's dirty out here. It's smelly out here. It's a place that people will never enter. My mind is like a junkyard. I take everything seriously, even though I know it won't cost me a lot.

Am I doing the right thing? Is it right for me to be here? Did I say the right words? What if I'm different? What if I never did that? Do they think I'm ugly? Am I pretty? Should I say it? What if I die tomorrow? Is my future going to be okay? Am I going to be successful? Who will I be ten years from now? Am I making the right decision? Am I going to regret this? Where will this lead me? Why can't I be like her? Why can't I be smart? Why can't I perform better in life? Why can't people see my worth?

What is it to be alive? What is happiness? What is sadness? What is being understood? What is love?

I think he thinks I'm stupid. I think my parents are disappointed in me. I think my friend dislikes me. I think they were just forced to associate with me because they pitied me. I think that no one loves me. I think that I am not going to make it. I think that I am wasting so much time trying to do something meaningful. I think that I'm useless. Oh, I'm useless.

It's the unending cycle of overthinking.

It's exhausting and excruciating because it will never get you somewhere. You are running within your mind into the blur. Nothing makes sense, but everything affects you.

It's not good to overthink. It always ruins the present moment, which you should feel and cherish. Overthinking can ruin your mood. Overthinking happens to make you rude. Overthinking takes your life away. Overthinking happens to punish you for something you didn't do.

You know, you know that it will never do good, but how am I still associating overthinking with it? I can't stop. I can't stop. I don't know how to stop. Please make it stop.

I sound like I need help. Wait, do I need help?

I don't think I do, but I also think I do. But I am okay. I am just being annoying, I think, and I think that you find me annoying too. I really don't get it, though. Why would we dwell on our thoughts so much? You know what? It's annoying because everything is in our heads.

I know that it is pointless to worry so much. But if you are in a state where everything is pointless, you'll never listen to the logical part of yourself because it doesn't make sense anymore.

Our mind is the battleground. It's always your thoughts versus your thoughts. You don't know who should win and who should lose. Who will determine who's going to win? It's you.

But you know, it's not my fault. It was never my fault. I don't know whose fault it is. You can't blame me.

If you didn't receive an adequate amount of appreciation from your environment as a child, I think you'll constantly rely on the validation of other people and the world. If you didn't receive an adequate amount of emotional support as a child, you can't help but take it all in and play it on your mind because nobody really saw the need for your emotions.

I don't know how those things are related, but I strongly believe that if our emotions are not validated and understood when we are younger, then overthinking everything becomes a normal thing because we are not sure what to think, feel, or do, and we never understand because we are not being understood.

I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not sure who is to blame for this.

I just want to say that this stinks.

The fear of committing a mistake and being the subject of misinterpretations restricts my ability to show the world who I really am. The unnecessary thoughts that are piling up inside my head build a barrier to stop me from doing the thing that I should do. 

To be honest, I am more than who I am showing, and it's not even half of who I really am. Only if I don't overthink that much.