Teenage Veracity

altruism is a curse

A nature that I intensely curse for having cursed me first. I am the superhero itself, bestowed with a keen sense to remain alert to whatever imbalances are happening around me, especially to the people I love. I need to be sensitive to the changes, and when I distinguish one, I need to extinguish it by offering my life.

I feel so deeply that I can dive right into the depths of the people around me. And most times, they are hurting. They need someone. They want to be understood. They need love. I can be that someone. I can understand. I can love. It's an involuntary feeling to make their hurts my own and look for solutions to solve their scars.

I didn't mean to make them dependent on me. I have let them feel seen because my empathy is wiping away the dust that covers their authentic selves. 

I can't resist staring at you while you're hurting. I know I should act, even if it costs me my own energy. I just have this nature of being automatically responsive all the hours and all the days. I can give everything up just to comfort them.

Oftentimes, I've crossed paths with people who want to be heard. I feel like my ears were created for this sole purpose. I can listen to them all day and not say a word about it. I just listen, and they keep on talking. I can offer them the best comfort they have ever felt, even if it is slowly drying me up. I never complain. I think it's what I'm made of.

The concern I pour into the well-being of a person is massive, and sometimes it freaks me out. I don't know what my motive is, but I don't think I need one. I just want to offer what I can. I just want to be the person who wants to love. The world is slowly running out of love, which is why a lot of people are searching for it. It doesn't matter that I deeply know that the people are also the ones who made this world unlovable, still, I want to offer myself to the undeserving ones.

I know it's exhausting. I exhaust myself too much by making myself available all the time, even though my heart is protesting by overworking it. I know I need to limit myself. I know I need to build boundaries to avoid easy infiltration. But they need me, and it defeats all the reasons there are. I don't mind them using every part of me to their advantage.

They tell me they never have anyone who's as real as me, and that made my heart burst in the best way. So, it means that by being selfless, you are being real. And the people who are selfish are deceivers. I don't want to be selfish or deceive. I'm glad I can't be either of those. I just can't.

If superheroes are possible, I think I can be a perfect candidate. I can deny myself as much as people want, and isn't that the thing that superheroes always do? 

They love to drop everything just to rescue people who are in need of saving. I think I can do it. I would love to do it! I love to help, even if I don't get anything in return or it doesn't benefit me at all. 

I can abandon myself just to mend the traumas, issues, and dramas life throws at people. I do have my own, but it's nothing when you tell me your own. Aren't I amazing? I just have this innate impulse to recklessly show kindness.

A lot of times, I've been stepped on because I let myself be stepped on. Actually, I don't mind. I let them cross my line. I let them enter my space uninvited. I let them talk even when I'm exhausted. I let them use me to be useful. I have the choice to make the better choice of not saving people over time. But I'll always find the reasons for their actions, since there is always a reason.

I am patient with their growth. I believe that having someone like me in their lives will inspire them to change their wicked attitudes. I can wait. I am waiting. And now all I can say is that I waited. It never happened.

Now, it's really exhausting. I never thought that I was capable of being exhausted. I think it's what I get for making myself available so much that I have to abandon my own needs. 

I never listened to my own voice because I was too busy listening to other people. I never rest, seeing that I am constantly chasing their endless needs. I never use my mind, seeing that my heart beats for love. I've offered myself so much that it's reached the point that I can't offer anything anymore because there's nothing left inside. I've reached the point where I realize that I also need myself.

Too much of everything can kill you. I have always thought that doing too much for a person can actually fix something, but it never did. It didn't fix the other, nor did it destroy it, but I got to be the one who got destroyed by the process of it. It's the price I pay for the costs I overlooked. It's funny because I get to be the one who suffers at the end after all the charity I have done.

Altruism is a curse. It appears in front of you with pure intentions, and when you let it into your life, you're influenced by it. It makes you feel wanted and appreciated, which is why you get addicted to it. You never have a motive, but it's the pleasure you are after. I guess it's not pure after all.

I don't know if I'm using it the wrong way or if it is wrong to use it in every way. It is a blessing, not for you but for others, and maybe that's the reason why I'm reconsidering surrendering to altruism.