notes app of a teenage girl

yoyok and a walk down the graveyard

if my purpose in this world
isn't grabbing the clouds
of a spring afternoon
in my hands
in my hometown
with my brother,
and with grass
telling the story of my unlived childhood,
as their golden, soft ends
tell me the story of my life
somewhere far away
and the world's secrets
he's too shy to say -
while im young
and an airplane is piercing the sky
like a needle,
and so badly I want to be there
wherever it's going
i don't care right now
and so badly, I know, I'm gonna miss this moment here
and so badly, I know, i want to remember it,
then i don't know why i am here writing this poem
as if it's my will left on this earth
buried with my body
so maybe it'll stay and degrade with me forever
under these very leaves
and this very sun and golden clouds
in this very graveyard.

because yes,
this is my purpose and this is poetry,
grasping at airy clouds
and at the watery moon
as she waves at the burning sun,
and holding onto them for dear life
cause they saved you so many times
and sure as hell they will now,
and sure as hell they will later,
finally holding your hand as you'll leave the ground
I've pathed so many times it has gotten the shape of my feet,
and i know i will never be able to fully remove the dirt
that covers them, my favorite pair of shoes
all used and consumed with the weight of me-
my entire life sprawled out
at fifteen,
scared and impatient,
full and nostalgic
of something i don't even know
nor know if I'll ever reach.
now it's too much for me to think about whatever all of this means
i trust the clouds and my feet
to explain it to me
the same way they're doing now
in a couple of five years.
tears flowing down my cheeks
as my favorite teenage music is playing in my ears.
cause only when i look at the sky
my heart has enough space
to fully beat.

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so storytime of this one. first of all, this is one of my favorites that I've ever written. i wrote this in like 10 minutes like six months ago. anyway, i was having a walk (or as we say in italian a 'passeggiata') with my brother around the graveyard of my hometown. the road has a beautiful view on hills and nearby little towns. it was around sunset, so there were orange-pink clouds and the sun was shouting golden rays and you could even see the moon shyly making her way up. i was listening to "you're on your own, kid" by talyor swift as i stopped to look at the view (im very sensitive to sunsets) and I saw this plane and i thought i wanted to go away, to see the rest of the world, to jump on it regardless of where it was going. and then I kind of had a thought about what will my life look like in five, ten or fifteen years, if it will be good or bad, if i would be lost or scared and i knew that i will eventually miss that very moment where i was fifteen and careless and walking in my hometown with my brother. its really just another way to say that I'm scared of getting old. then i cried, and i had the urge to write, and so i wrote the whole poem on the way home. it soon became about what poetry means to me, and I guess it is what i want to do in the world no matter what happens in my life. but hey, I'm fucking fifteen so i don't know shit, but it’s comforting to see it that way.