i can't usually write in my native language
unless someone or something requires it.
for some reason,
letters seem to weight differently
even though they're the same.
because
i can say i love you
to everyone
and feel good
and caring
because love is something you give unapologetically and firmly.
but before saying ti voglio bene or ti amo
i have to build a house of courage
to host these words safe and soundly.
I'll look through the peephole
and the ones who can enter are really a few.
after i say those words
yes, i feel good
but vulnerable, a prey
almost like the act of loving someone
is something that weakens me.
and saying it out loud
would eventually and surely
lead to people crashing my building down
turning it to ashes and not even flinching.
i can say whatever i want in english.
i can say I'm sorry
all the time.
but saying scusa
ties a knot around my throat
and scusa doesn't roll out easily off my tongue
it stumbles all the way to my lips
it bounces off of my gums and teeth
until it comes out harshly spat or faintly whispered.
either way bruising my mouth.
maybe its because i don't really understand english
not in a intrinsic level.
or maybe its because
italian is the language of my childhood
and as it fell and bled
so did my tongue.
as a kid the only way i knew to ask for help was aiuto or ho bisogno di...
as a kid the ability to speak
was taken from me
or i tossed it out unconsciously
I'm not so sure.
and maybe i had to learn again
i had to learn to speak from scratch
cause my language was scared and scarred.
for some reason
i can't usually write in my native language
english and italian weight differently, somehow.
it takes more strength and thought
for me to speak
the way i was born.
YOU ARE READING
notes app of a teenage girl
詩歌I depend on words and commas: a sleepy french toast and my lover's perfect flaws. a collection of poems, songs, thoughts, stories, and made-up scenarios of an Italian queer teenage girl who finds comfort in writing. I apologize for any errors, engli...
