Life Happens | ONC 2024

Chapter 12

LEX

Olivia moans as I push deep inside.

Her raven hair sprawls out on the pillow below me, and her eyes remain closed while I feel her fingers digging into my back.

This should be about her, me giving her my undivided attention. Yet, in my head, it feels like there is a traffic jam that doesn't make any sense. Blanche, my mother, the girl below me... it feels like all my emotions are screaming at me, but I'm somehow too far away and they can't reach me.

The burning feeling inside me doesn't subside, but I have no right putting my burdens, nor my damn problems, on her. I came here last night for a reason and it was to give this a chance, and if I'm completely honest with myself, to forget.

We talked for a moment when I arrived, but Olivia had made up her mind about the reason for me to come over and one thing led to another, as I let myself get carried away.

I finished without even feeling my own climax, but I held out until at least Olivia came. I'm a fucked up mess, but I still have some decency.

It's not her fault I'm like this. It was awkward, and I wasn't in the act with her. She must have noticed.

"Stay the night?" Olivia rolls off the bed, taking the sheet with her to wrap around her naked body, as she shuffles to the adjacent bathroom.

I nod, but I've zoned out. It's like my body is in Olivia's apartment, but my head is miles away. Watching the ceiling and the flickering colorful lights that shine through the curtains from outside.

This town really loves Christmas.

Olivia returns, wearing some fluffy fabric jammies, and gets under the covers next to me. She shifts and tries to kiss me, yet I can't seem to move and notice her lips leaving a small peck on my cheek.

This is all wrong, and I know it.

As the fucking bastard that I am, I'm crawling away in the middle of the night, leaving her sleeping in her bed. I'm too afraid to face her in the morning. Face the reality that she's not who I want, so I'm acting like a coward.

I've become one of those monsters I've always avoided turning into. I've fought so hard to be a good person, despite that, the mistakes—the fuck ups—just keep piling up and I'm ending up with a heap of whatever this is.

What I did wasn't okay. I used someone who's clearly crazy about me as a physical distraction for all the shit that's going on in my life. I'm acting like a person that I don't really like right now.

I'm even afraid I'm beginning to hate this version of myself. Making one poor decision after another and I'm beginning to worry about my sanity.

Roaming around town without shutting my eyes the entire night. I've walked from Olivia's home to the playground and I sit in the swing, dragging my boot clad feet through the sand. Just like how Blanche does.

My phone buzzes early in the morning with a message from Blanche. The blooming pain and cold pinpricks grip my chest again as I read her words.

@Blanchecakes: We need to talk.

The words are there to instill fear in anyone who receives it, but I feel like it's a lifeline being thrown at me to get me out of the murky waters I'm wading. But how am I going to get out of the mess I've created?

@T.Lex: On my way.

Guided by the soft glow of the street lanterns and light strings, I make my way to Hotcakes. Until I'm standing on the opposite street corner, trying to keep my poker face in place, while my stomach eats my heart.