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25- I Had One Chance

"I'm so drunk right now, Iris, you have no idea. And I can't stop thinking about you. Honestly, I don't even want to stop thinking about you. I know that it sounds ridiculous to you because you don't believe in love, but I do, and I love you. You probably don't believe me and you'd probably tell me that I'm just being naïve because of all of the romance movies I've been in but I don't care. I fucking love you. God, I'm so drunk. That night that we went to that fancy restaurant but ended up eating in the car, that was the best night of my life and I've had some pretty amazing nights. I've won academy awards and Golden Globes but none of those times beat the time that I had with you. I hate the fact that we can't be together right now and I know that I said that I'd try to find a way out of this but I'm coming up blank. I've put a ton of money into it too but I'm starting to realize that not even money can buy us out of this situation.

"Anyway, I know that you probably don't want to hear from me and I don't expect to hear from you either because I'm just really drunk right now. I was hoping that by drinking, I'd be able to get rid of you but it's only made it worse. So before I say anything else that'll just hurt both of us even more, I'm going to say goodbye. I miss you like fucking crazy and I know that it's a terrible thing to say, but I hope that you miss me too. Goodbye."

This is a voicemail from Hudson that I wake up to a few days later, the day after I wrap up shooting for the action movie with Johnny Depp. I'm barely even awake, I can't deal with this right now. And yet, here I am. When I saw that the voicemail was from Hudson, I shouldn't have listened to it. Or, I should have at least waited until I was out of bed and was able to mentally prepare for something like that.

Dropping my phone onto the carpeted floor beside my bed, I turn around so that my face is smothered in the pillow and I let out a loud yet muffled scream. Why is he doing this? This has been hell, trying to get over him, and waking up to this drunken voicemail is making this so much harder to deal with.

"Iris," My mom comes running into the room after I've finished throwing my tantrum. "Were you just screaming? What's going on?"

"I had one chance," I tell her, turning around to look at her as I sit up in my bed. I then stand up out of my bed and go to my dresser to pick out an outfit for the day. "I had one freaking chance and I totally blew it."

"What are you talking about? Are you okay?" She asks me with a worried frown.

"I'm never going to find another Hudson, Mom," I insist loudly, feeling very hysteric because I miss him and it took me forever to feel like that with him, to let myself feel that way, and I know after all of this bullshit, I'll never let anybody in like that again. It's either Hudson or it's nobody. I know that I've been saying that I'll get over him but I don't think that I will. I don't think that it's possible, really. "I blew it."

"Hudson?" She questions, obviously still not following my train of thought. "What's going on?"

"I'm going to die alone. With cats probably," I mumble. "He was my only shot."

"Shot at what?" She's still standing in the doorway of my room, watching me as I pick out my clothes and then without even asking her to get out of the room, I start getting dressed.

"Love, Mom," I explain to him. "He loves me and I think that I love him too which is stupid. It's so stupid but I don't have a choice so I'm just going to have to deal with that."

"Are you going to go see him then?"

"No, he left for New York this morning," I explain to her as I pick my phone up from where I dropped it. I'm now wearing some jeans and a t-shirt as I sit on the edge of my bed and put on my sneakers.