Revolting Rose

Chapter 18/Part 1 - Faecal Matters

Franz was in a right mood again because of Duskerro, and he almost took it out on Feidai when she came into his office. Thankfully, he thought better of it. She was burly enough to put him through three layers of wall if he gave her cause.

"What were ye wantin' from me, lad?" Feidai asked, leaning on the back of his piskieseat. The force of her elbow almost tipped him out of it.

Franz took a slow breath and got his words in order before opening his mouth. "I need you to steal a map from my father's office. He cannot know where we intend to take the coronation, or he may suspect something too soon."

"But it's happening here, yar? Jus' tell me what colour squiggles the walls 'ave and I tell everyone where to go."

"It will start here, then move into Tyrunvern's main fortress. I need to know where we would have the advantage should celebrations get out of hand."

"Aye. Need a spot with good privies. There are nay enough around this big shroom." Feidai winked and punched him in the arm.

"The Drakuur didn't happen to bring a large supply of buckets, did they?" Franz said with his head in his hands.

If there was one way to have everyone talk about your party for all the wrong reasons, it was a shortage of discreet buckets. Saloonka's army would need far more than he could provide.

"And who would empty them, yar? Better to give yer shrooms the fertilisin' they need direct." Feidai laughed, while his stomach knotted itself. "Where we empty our guts will be the least nasty part if it comes to blows, lad."

"I've dealt so much with exposed guts lately that I'm quite insensitive to that, but I'd still rather not think of the filth that comes out of them."

"When ye stick some folks, ye sometimes get a bit o' both, yar." Feidai said with a wicked grin on her face.

"Alright, alright!"

"Yer easier to stir than a pot ay water, Franz." She sat down on the stool at the other side of the desk, but her puffy dress engulfed the mushroom and made it seem that she had simply shrunk a bit. "Ye will need to sort that out when ye start leading the country."

"I hope I'll have a few years to work on it before I'm in that sort of position," Franz replied. He could not disagree with what she had said. It was easy for others to get under his skin, as Zaech and Duskerro often did. But he was still young, and with time and age he hoped that would come to pass.

"Ye don't know then?" Feidai asked an inquisitive squint.

"Know what?" Franz was wary that she was having another playful jab, but she seemed more serious than before. "Surely Saloonka means to stay for a while and straighten the country out if everything goes well? It won't be an easy thing to do. Everyone in his army may love him well enough, but they've never exactly been friendly with one another."

"Yar, but there's Drakanyuur and the lands across the sea. Sally is an Overlord, Franz. Conquerin' is in their nature, nay sittin' around in big mushrooms, makin' sure everyone gets along, yar."

No jibe could ever cut him so deep as that nugget of truth. Franz could not leave, though he may want to, and Saloonka could not stay, though he probably should. The reality of it stank worse than the excrement of a thousand armies. He could feel his eyes starting to sting, and all the facial contortion in the world could not hold his devastation at bay. Of all the folk this side of the Marsh of Sticks, Feidai was the last he wanted to see him cry.

"Sally has a lot o' eggs in yer basket. If ye can learn to hold yeself together, methinks ye might do alright," Feidai said and kicked herself off the stool. "Ye don't have to yet, mind, so let yer eyes leak as much as they 'ave to until ye 'ave some peace."