Beautifully Damaged

19. Defiance

                  I picked myself up off the ground, staring out, bewildered, at the dark world around me. What was going on? My head throbbed incessantly, preventing me from thinking straight. If life had been weird before, it no longer made any sense at all.

Life had changed so much within the past day, and I wasn't sure how to cope with it. How was I supposed to? Even a therapist wouldn't be able to justify this level of deranged. I didn't know whether to believe what I'd seen or not.

"Get it together," I commanded myself, brushing the dirt from my clothes.

The temperature had dropped again, and it bit into my skin with a renewed sense of vengeance. Frustration welled up in me, as I stifled a scream of irritation. The universe was laughing, I was sure of it. Yet another strange occurrence without justification. I was just as, if not more, lost than before, in life and in walking home.

Even if I found a payphone I hadn't memorized Jenna's number or Alex's for that matter, nor did I have the change to make the call.

All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. Was it really too much to ask? Confusion, fury and helplessness... they all blinded me as I stood, trying to calm my swirling emotions.

I felt my hand unconsciously reach out behind me for the velvety ears if Bear, but he wasn't there for me to rely on anymore. I was more alone than ever, and totally fed up.

Half-heartedly, I traipsed down the street, my eyes and my heart heavy.

Thankfully, all roads lead to Rome, as it were, and I ended up outside of the Taurus Building, bedraggled but alive. Thoroughly exhausted, I trudged up to my apartment, almost crying in relief when it came into sight.

You can imagine my dismay when I reached into my pocket for a key that was never there. The utter stupidity of the situation hit me, and on impulse, I slammed my forehead against the door.

The impact rattled my teeth and sent my head ringing. Whimpering pathetically, I let the cool of the door seep into my forehead. My hand rested on the handle as I wished it was open with all my might.

Surprisingly enough, it was.

In her rush to get me out of there, Jenna must have forgotten to lock it. Her carelessness was a blessing at that moment. Not even bothering to do anything else, I dragged myself inside, bone tired and fed up. I collapsed into bed and into blissful sleep.

***

My dreams were fragments of my day shoved together in a cruel reenactment, a sinister, broken movie. When I woke, I could no longer remember what had happened in them.

***

I came to calmly, waking myself, without the help of sunlight or an alarm. It was terribly quiet. As I lay there, in total darkness, I listened to the silence. So quiet, so dark. No longer was there the warmth of a living, breathing companion pressed against my side. There weren't any quiet noises of comfort.

All there was, was silence, and I.

Oddly enough, it was soothing. Silence didn't assault, lie or deceive, it didn't ever truly die; a constant friend, though sometimes unnerving and unwanted.

I didn't understand those who hated silence, who actively defied its presence at any time they could. Loud noises and activity cluttered the mind and faded out important, true thoughts. Sometimes, nothing was better. No distractions, only time to be caught by the things I'd been running from, whether I wanted to or not.

In my case, there was nothing to run from, or be caught by. All there was were unanswered questions. That's all there ever was. Is that all there would ever be?