Beautifully Damaged

27. Control

Warm leather pressed against my skin as I sat in my unmoving car, on the side of a Detroit back road. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d just found out. That I was Lucy Tegen, Chris’s dead sister- or so my whole family thought. Veronica’s, or my mother’s, reaction to my appearance outside of her house was finally understandable, and I regretted my haste in revealing my existence to her. It had pained her, that much was painfully clear, and there was no real way to tell her what had happened. Being brought to realize my own past was hard enough, but I could deal with it because I wanted to know. I doubted that Veronica would be willing to listen, and I realized that I was prepared to let her move on.

The simple truth was that Lucy Tegen had been wiped off the map, and old graves didn’t need to be dug up. I’d been given a fresh start, and now that I was aware of my past, I needed to begin to move away from my searching. Now, the only thing standing in my way was Alex.

Without thinking, I unhooked my iPhone from the dashboard and dialed his number. My instant thought was that I was acting on impulse, in the heat of the moment- yet, I felt in control, though I could easily recognize my anger.

Yes, it was late, but I didn’t feel like I was doing something wrong. I didn’t feel apprehensive or awkward. There was nothing for me to be ashamed of, not around Alex, not anymore. It was time for him to answer to me, whether it was an inconvenience to him or not.

“Blaise?” He answered after barely a full ring, sparking a slight start in me. Alex’s voice was breathless, and I distinguished his tone as anxious of all things.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I said, surprised at how cool my voice sounded. It was breezy, as if I hadn’t just discovered that most of my existence was a well-fabricated lie, and that Alex was the cause of it.

Alex exhaled, and I could almost imagine him running his hands through his hair in relief. “Where have you been? You disappeared this afternoon-”

“I know,” I interrupted, smothering my growing irritation at his caring act. I couldn’t discern how much I could handle of his voice when I had experienced, first hand, what his personality really was like. A long silence flowed through the clean reception and I was secretly smug inside that I had managed to stun him into speechlessness. “Just took a little road trip is all.” The implication in my voice was well hidden, when I noticed that I wanted to confront him in person.

Alex hesitated a second more, his usual confidence evaporated. “Where are you?”

“Heading back home,” I dismissed evasively, restarting my car and pulling back onto the quiet road. “Just wanted to call because I bolted earlier and I saw your missed calls when I turned my phone back on.” Lying through my teeth was way easier than it should have been, and my nonchalance scared me a little. Since when had this become second nature to me?

“Okay.” He replied, and I could hear his confusion, try as he might to hide it.

After saying goodbye, I hung up and plugged my iPod back into its dock, letting Marianas Trench fill my car once more. Strangely, an endless sense of resolve and peace instilled itself in my veins, and I did not have any uncertainties about what I was going to say or do. I needed Alex to tell me the truth himself, and then I would react. Until then, my questions were satisfied and I was still and quiet inside.

Answers had changed me beyond the point where I could turn back, and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

***

When I finally pulled into the parking lot in the back of the Taurus Building, it was ridiculously early in the morning, and I doubted that I would endeavor to get to school in a couple of hours. My mind was fitfully silent, and I was reluctant to get out of the car because I was unused to the silence. Music readily filled the space that my scattered thoughts normally occupied.