Matches | √

Chapter Twenty-Five

flare | a sudden brief burst of bright flame or light

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4/4/17

I LAY IN my bed with my eyes locked on the rotating ceiling fan unable to sleep. Beep. Beep. Beep. I quickly turn off my alarm on my phone having woken up an hour before I needed to.

Asher slid through my window last night and once again made me forget about the way I've hurt my best friend. The way I've torpedoed our friendship. The way I've ruined her completely. Ruined myself. Ruined everything.

My eyes flicker to the spot next to me to see it empty. Always empty. The familiar pang of hurt spreads through my chest as the hope that fills me begins to crumble away. The same hope that always fills me whenever he comes over. The same hope that's crushed when I wake up to find him gone. Always gone. The faint scent of weed and Asher's cologne clings to my sheets and I let myself roll over to inhale and cling to the pieces of him he's left behind.

I lift my body up and lock eyes on myself in my mirror. Asher left the way he always does, in the night without a word. With only a singular Polaroid of him left on the nightstand. He also left me the way he always does with bruised lips and sticky thighs. With the ever familiar doubt in my bones and a look of sorrow swimming in my eyes.

When Asher is around me my heart takes over and my fears vanish into thin air. He whispers dirty words, and sweet nothings into my ears. He kisses me like I'm his last breath. He touches me as if I was made for him. His smile makes my heart ache with the ever-familiar joint that's always hanging from his lips. He tastes of vodka and cigarettes and everything I should hate but can't seem to get enough of.

But then morning comes and I'm left alone in my bed with my mind replaying every little moment. Pushing my heart to the back and letting my mind take over so that all my fears come crashing to the forefront.

The house is quiet since my mother took a girls trip with her friend, Tracy, over the weekend. She left after I took pictures for prom. She should be back later today and I'm scared to see her after everything that took place. Scared she will see the change within me, the way darkness has clouded my judgment and heart. Scared she will say I've changed as well.

Though every bone in my body wants to stay in bed all day and continue to pretend life is normal I know I need to come to reality. Face the day ahead. Face the fact that I no longer have a best friend.

I glance at my phone as if waiting to see Francesca's text letting me know when she's going to swing by and pick me up for school.

But it doesn't come.

As I get ready and head down the stairs I expect to hear her car pull into the driveway to pick me up.

But she doesn't come.

I sit on the bus on the way to school lost in my head as nerves weave their way through my veins. As soon as the bus stops in front of the school my legs itch to run away far, far away from this school and this moment. The entire ride felt like a blur and too short, as if I didn't have enough time to prepare myself for what lies ahead. But I know the truth; nothing can prepare me for when I step into school. Nothing can prepare me for seeing my best friend for the first time since prom.

My feet stop outside the front doors waiting and waiting heavy as cement as I begin to move forward. Slowly I take a step into my school, into the body of students who will cast their judgments on me most of them probably not even knowing my name before prom night.

As soon as I am through the threshold of the doors I can feel everyone's eyes on me before I even look up to see them. See their gazes lock on me as if everyone knows my dirty little secret. I used to walk these halls not garnering one glance and now I could be seen if I was a fly on the wall.