Matches | √

Chapter Twenty-Nine

gleam | a faint or brief light

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5/2/17

I AVOIDED MY mother all weekend. I stayed locked in my room only coming down to the kitchen to grab snacks when I heard the car leave. I even got an extra day to lie in bed and escape reality because yesterday was senior skip day. A day Francesca used to dream about.

A day for us to sleep in, shop, get our favorite ice cream, and then head to the annual senior beach bonfire. A day for fun. A day for endless laughter. A day just for us.

A day I didn't get to experience because of my own actions. I once thought hearts only broke from the significant other in one's life. But now I know that a heart can break from any and all kinds of love.

The first crack in my heart was when my best friend witnessed me kissing her prom date. It was deep and took my breath away. The second was when I saw my mother with Asher's father. That crack was soul shattering and crumbled every thought and ideal she helped create within me. The third was realizing Asher wasn't the boy for me. That he wasn't who I thought he was and would never be who I needed him to be.

The last crack to completely break my heart and burn it into a pile of nothing but cold embers was the realization that I did this all to myself. That I will never have anyone else to blame but me.

The sound of the front door slamming shut echoes through the house and another text rings out from my phone. My mother while completely oblivious to most everything else in my life right now could tell I was ignoring her this weekend, and has sent me message after message after failed attempts to knock on my door and gain my attention.

I ignored them all.

I don't know how to face her after seeing her kiss a married man. My mother has always been independent and strong. She raised me by herself and raised me well, and watching her make this mistake, one that Murrow my own builds unease within me. It shakes the solid earth from beneath my feet as cracks begin to rupture the foundation of my life.

My hands grip my comforter as my chest tightens before I shove it off of me and quickly get ready for school as dread pits in my stomach. The thought of having to face the school and Francesca and Asher sends spirals of anxiety throughout my body.

The rumor mill was already churning them out according to the bonfire yesterday. Asher was making out with some cheerleader. Moving on from me as if I was nothing more than a blimp on his radar. A spark in a dark night destined to burn out.

I quickly run to the bathroom and brush my teeth and wash my face for the day. I toss on a sundress and a jean jacket before running a brush through my brown hair. I slide on some sandals and grab my backpack before heading down the stairs. I stayed in bed longer than usual waiting for my mother to leave and now I'm about to miss the bus if I don't run.

My shoes slap against the pavement as humid morning air settles around me as I speed down the street as fast as I can to the corner bus stop. I make it with only seconds to spare and with a heavy breath I make my way to the back avoiding all eye contact. Thankfully the bus today was mostly empty so acting as if I don't feel the stares is easier than it will be once I enter school. The heated glares and discreet murmurs are nothing compared to what they will be once I step through the threshold of my high school.

The ride doesn't long and I make sure I am the last one to get off the bus. I use these last few minutes to take a moment to myself and to take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"I can do this," I whisper to myself. But I'm not so sure honestly if I can. I want to be strong. I want to be able to face the demons I created and not care about the hurtful words that will pierce my already shredded heart, but some things are easier said than done.